SEATTLE — The US Drug Enforcement Agency (DEA) has filed extradition orders with Canadian authorities, demanding that Canada deliver their cattle to American justice.
“We have been waiting for the US Department of Agriculture (USDA) to drop the ban on Canadian beef almost as long as Alberta Beef Producers,” DEA spokesperson Peter “Buzzkill” Wimsey said at a news conference earlier this morning.
“Canadian cattle have been using the Internet and the postal service to traffic in cannabis seeds for years, and it is time to put a stop to their illegal activities,” he added.
The cattle were unavailable for comment.
“Hundreds of thousands of dollars of their illicit profits are known to have been channeled to marijuana cow legalization groups active in the United States and Canada. Bovine drug legalization lobbyists now have one less pot of money to rely on,” said Wimsey, smirking for the camera. “See what I did there? Used ‘pot’ in another way?”
The cows at the center of this debate come from three Alberta ranches, and all contribute to several websites they run collectively: cowseeds.ca, cowcannibisculture.ca, and hempheifers.ca.
“Once we have them in custody, they will probably face 10 years to life in prison, or we may just barbeque them,” said Wimsey.
Farming groups, pot activists and cow enthusiasts have asked the Canadian Minister of Justice, Irwin Cotler, to refuse to extradite the trio of blunt-biased bovines on the basis that it would be unjust and oppressive.