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Winter Olympics: Naked Fire Luge, Bottomless Ski Jumping, Explo-Curling

Naked Fire Luge

Though not as dangerous as skurlington, naked fire luge, is, in many ways, a much more exciting sport for the viewer. The luge run is ringed by fire on both sides, and there are massive pools of napalm behind each of the curves. The highly flammable gelatin is held safely behind the concrete shoulders, except for a thin celluloid membrane near the top of the berm. If an athlete takes the corner too high, the membrane rips, which in turn releases the napalm, which is ignited by the flre at the top of the run.

For added excitement and visual appeal, the entire race is run stark naked and at night. This should also give the doubles event an added frisson. (Though we hope it also encourages more mixed doubles teams. Not that there’s anything wrong with the traditional two-man luge thing — we’re looking at you Germany.)

An unsuccessful fire luge run
Pictured: an unsuccessful fire luge run. Fire pic by rvr.

Bottomless Ski Jumping

This event is technically not for the athletes, but a chance for countries to improve their standings in the medals. A standard ski jump is fitted with one bottomless pit at the end of the run. (Winter Olympic committees, we’d recommend ACME Bottomless Pits for your supply.)

Participants can be voluntary, or those “selected” by a country’s Olympic committee; we would suggest that this event is best served by having unpopular politicians take part.

Medals are awarded on the basis of who does the LEAST screaming on the way down. Gold only awarded to total silence, and probably the only way we can get some politicos to shut up. Thanks to D. Bartholemew Lurie for this suggestion.


Though not as fast-paced as skurlington, Explo-Curling more than makes up for it in sheer tension.

A standard game of curling is played, except each team is given one rock — indistinguishable from the others — that is a powerful explosive device rigged to explode on violent contact. They do not know which rock, and neither does the other team.

Skips are fitted with explosive belts set to blow at the same time as any rock on the ice sheet, giving them a stake in the game, and really making them think about those takeout shots. Thanks to Mike Rayner for this suggestion.

Previous: Skurlington

As always, more refinements and suggestions are welcome in the comments!

Funnier, goofier, more satirical!

Because it continues to list The Skwib below the fold, Alltop has been volunteered for this year’s Bottomless Ski Jump competition. Originally published in February, 2010.


  1. Here are my Olympic predictions: There will be a judging scandal. There will be a doping scandal. The gender of an athlete from an Asian or Eastern European nation will be questioned. No matter how well Canada does, there will be a long period of soul searching after the Games, during which we will hear calls for more funding for our athletes. This will seem like a good idea until people realize tax money is actually their own money. A U.S. medallist will use his or her moment in the spotlight as a springboard to a career in the entertainment field (a movie such as Gymkata will result). And Russia will invade Chechnya. Why am I so confident? Happens every time.

  2. Heh, I second this! What happens next time though, when the Winter Olympics are IN Russia?

  3. So what did you make of the luge accident? It’s like your last few posts were prescient — you were talking about ways to make the Olympics more dangerous, and then a guy goes and gets himself killed. That’s irony for you.

  4. Well, my first impulse is to say it’s a tragedy for the man’s family and friends.

    But yes, caught by my own irony; the posts just aren’t about making the Olympics more dangerous (or exciting) though. I was trying to satire the Olympics themselves. I really do think of them as exploitative. Governments, corporations and the IOC gets so much from these games, and so many of the athletes get nothing, and give so much — and in this case, the athlete has given everything.

  5. They’re probably exploitative because the IOC is the most evil organization on the planet.

  6. Yes. People fear SPECTRE but they love the Olympics. Just try criticizing the Olympics and you’ll get an earful!

  7. I missed a chance to make a good Hydra joke. Or perhaps a SMERSH reference.

  8. SMERSH — very good. OF course, SPECTRE was a secret organization, wasn’t it? So we shouldn’t even know to be afraid of it…

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