In keeping with The Skwib Olympic motto: citius, altius, sanguius (faster, higher, bloodier) we would next like to suggest that the Winter Olympic committee combine Curling and Skeleton – the most fascinating and most dangerous competitions in one sport.
Instead of rocks, curlers will now guide live human beings on their skeletons, who will be shot out of an accelerating tube (cannon).
Instead of increasing their speed with brooms, curlers will be responsible for slowing the skeleton-rider down with their specially designed “ice-roughening” devices – basically a broom with ice picks and crampons. The secret? Not roughening the ice too much, or the skeleton-rider may become airborn.
Instead of launching the rock, the skip’s new job is to lie immobile in the “target zone” at the end of the skurlington run until the moment when the skeleton rider approaches, when they can use their arms to bring the rider to a full stop. Skips will not be allowed to wear any protective gear of any kind. They will not be able to move out the way if the sweeps have not done their job. The skeleton-rider can have full body armor, while the sweepers will be allowed helmets and shin guards. (Though “real” skurlington players would eschew such fripperies as being against the spirit of the sport.)
As in curling, the consumption of beer is allowed – nay, encouraged!
Note: to give this new sport an extra edge (and increase the TV ratings), the sweepers and skip must stop the progress of the skeleton-rider before he or she hits the explosive-laden wall at the back of the skurlington ice sheet. And just to be thorough, sweeps will wear athletic cups made of C-4, with detonators keyed to the wall’s ignition.
Exciting!
Next: Naked Fire Luge, Bottomless Ski Jumping, Explo-Curling