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David "Flyboy" Lurie
or,
Lord Wombleem Conquers the Universe

Chapter I
In which our hero is born, rises to fame, and sets his sights on the stars.

Most people know our friend and colleague David Lurie as a gentle family man with a pixie-like sense of humor and strong capitalist asshole work ethic. In fact, little known to many, is the fact that David Lurie is an alien of Royal Blood on a mission to conquer the stars. Earth is but a practice run in his noble ambition to rule the universe.

Nigel and Helen Wobleen celebrating the birth of their son, Wignar during the Holy Feast of Karhkblatt.

Our story begins on the planet Yogolack. Lord Wignar Wombleem was the child of Nigel and Helen Wobleen of 6 Biped Place. The proud parents named their child Wignar, which means "The Grinning One". By a odd coincidence, on the next planet over, Snagwatt, Wignar means "I eat lots of fruit and am thus quite regular". Incidentally, Wombleem means "I am feeling better now." More on that later.

Young Wignar rose quickly to prominence in the Yogolack military. From an early age his colleagues knew that he was something special. His first notable action came during the Homongous War when he single handedly defeated the Humongoid Armada. This feat is, perhaps, not as heroic as it sounds due to the fact that in spite of their names the Humungoids are about a tenth of the size of terrestrial ants. Wombleem took out half of the Humongoid fleet with a tennis racket and finished the rest off with a dust buster. After some slight exaggeration about the size of Humongoids, Wombleem was decorated by theYogolack Emperor and made a Lord of that Little Wobbly Bush at the Back Corner of My Garden (A very high honor as the Emperor takes horticulture very seriously. He was also quite mad).

Next came the conquering of the neighboring planet Snagwatt. This also turned out to be an unexpectedly easy undertaking. The entire Snagwatt Horde had gathered on the plains of Eeeeeeaaaarl to meet the champion of the Yogolack. Wombleem announced himself. When the Snagwatt Horde heard this strutting young champion bellow out the words "I eat lots of fruit and am thus quite regular. I am feeling better now". They pissed themselves laughing.

Unfortunately, Sangwatt piss is a particularly nasty corrosive substance and the entire Snagwatt Horde melted into a large pond of screaming goo. Another battle had been won without any loss to the Yogolack. More honors followed including the Garter of the Knights of that Clinging Vine by the Shed. Yet, Wombleem was not satisfied. He set his sights on a new vista. He wanted to be Lord Protector of the Ferns by the Back Door. He would conquer the planet Earth!

Earth! Why not? A terribly dull place preoccupied with Pay Television and building space ships that don't even go to their own natural satellite. They would be easy! But this would not be as simple as swatting a bunch of itsy bitsy ships. This task would take cunning and guile and years to accomplish.

Wombleem first infiltrated the planet at Queens University, Kingston, Ontario, Canada, a place where any alien can fit in so long as they have a good haircut and nice shoes. While biding his time going to classes and acting in amateur theatricals, Wombleem hatched his plan. He knew that he could not do this alone. He needed help. He called on his betrothed, Weena, Queen of the Seven Moons of Zamilian, to come to his aid. Together they moved to London, Ontario, and lived as man and wife, in the process procreating two Yogolack larvae for cover.

Wombleem's plan is a brilliant study in infiltration. Having won the trust of the inhabitants Wombleem and Weena will infiltrate the only two power structures on Earth that matter any more: corporate capitalism and the media. It may take years but, eventually, they shall both rise to positions of prominence and control, only then will their true natures be revealed and then it will be too late for the poor inhabitants of planet Earth.

In the meantime Weena and Wombleem must stay on the move as their Larvae have proven to be a major challenge. Of particular concern is their tendency to eat classmates who annoy them. Weena and Wombleem have also decided to work in separate cities as often as possible in the coming years so as not to arouse suspicion.

Stay tuned of the next exiting chapter of Lord Wombleem Conquers The Universe . . .

No, I don't believe a word of this, tell me more about the real David Lurie!.

--"Scholarship" by Thuder

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