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Ask General Kang: Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your personal savior?

Ask General KangYes, yes I have. I have also accepted Buddha, Jaweh, Allah, Vishnu, Krishna, Thor, Lugh, Zarathustra, Zakar, Zeus … all the “Z” gods are cool. Did you know that Zhang-Guolao — one of the eight immortals in China — had a magic donkey that he could fold up like a piece of paper? Is that cool or what!

I could have used a magic donkey during the Long Retreat on Sblismar XII — man, did we get our butts kicked in that war. However, eventually I discovered that a foot fungus found on a certain planet inhabited by other primates would let me control the Sblismarians’ minds, so that ended the fighting.

But I digress. Before I came to conquer Earth and discovered its excellent fungi, I’d never heard of religion. It’s something you humans have invented. Of all the species in all the worlds that I’ve become overlord of, yours is the only one that has the god groove.

You’ve got more religions than I’ve got parasites in my lower intestine.

But I dig them all (the religions, not the parasites).

Except for Scientology. That L. Ron Hubbard knew jack squat about aliens, particularly evil alien tyrants like his “Xenu”. (As if any autocrat would go to the expense of transporting people to Earth for execution in spaceships that look like DC-8s… I mean, that’s what Trigladian Gut Worms are for … it’s just silly.)

So, yes. Christ? Yes!

Next week: Do you have a decent recipe for peanut-butter chocolate-chip cookies? Also, how does one get into the Galactic Overlord business?

Humor-blogs.com and Alltop also have parasites in their lower intestines.