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Ask General Kang: Have you been enjoying Earth's premier sports event?

Ask General KangAbsolutely!

I can’t tell you how thrilling it is to watch toned athletes throw themselves at the events. It’s really hard to pick my favorite, because they’re all such great fun and the level of athleticism being demonstrated by the contestants is nothing short of awe-inspiring. But I think if I had to choose I would have to go with the qualifying event with the “big balls.”

Big balls?

Yes, gigantic inflated red balls, which the athletes have to run over top of, but invariably, they can’t. It really lives up to the motto: Citius, Altius Ac Festivius. (Swifter, Higher and Funnier).

We have a similar tradition on my homeworld of Neecknaw, except instead of falling into muddy water, the contestants fall into Coulrotrophic Gelatin infested with Laughing Beetles from Trigiggle Six. And instead of colorful rubber balls, we use the skulls of our defeated enemies (but covered with coconut oil).

I was talking about the Olympics, not Wipeout

Oh, the Olympics. That’s the game show with people running and swimming, right? Yeah, they really need to spice that up. I’d add cheetahs and pumas to the track events and imagine how much more thrilling all those diving events would be if the pool was filled with piranhas!

Next time: If I nudged a black hole close enough to put the Earth in its event horizon, would that make the summer last longer?

Thrilling humor athletics are also available at humor-blogs.com and alltop. You can see those big balls in action here.