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Ask General Kang: How do you stay warm in the winter?

Ask General KangYou must be writing from Canada, right? Surely you know more about dealing with cold temperatures than I do. I’m the wrong interstellar overlord to ask, because generally speaking, I only take over star systems that have warm, humid planets.

That was after the ill-fated expedition to capture Edmontovia XIII, known amongst the simian conqueror set as the “Monkey’s Tomb”. I invaded with a pert little army of she-üchimps decked out in tutus and plasma weapons, but we were not adequately prepared for the surface conditions on the planet.

The ambient temperature dropped to thirty below on a pretty regular basis, and then with the wind chill effect added it, whoa nelly! You know the phrase, “cold enough to freeze the balls of a brass monkey?” You probably think that has some old naval connection, but it actually originates with my great-uncle, General Karg — the original interstellar overlord, who had the family jewels encased in bronzed iridium after an unfortunate “incident” with a Bleblonian pleasure ape, you know, to protect them.

And yes, at those temperatures, they just drop off.

Ew. But, back to my question: How do you stay warm?

I find drinking single malt in a down sleeping bag works pretty well if you don’t have pleasure ape handy.

Next time: If you are trapped in a spaceship on the event horizon of a black hole, what’s the best way to get your shirts laundered?

More primate pleasures available at Alltop . Originally published December, 2008.


  1. Well sometimes proper preparation be damned, style is the key, and nothing says style like overthrowing an ice planet with a bunch of scantily clad she apes and plasma rifles…

  2. Quizzling Quizzling

    I think the original phrase was “Cold enough to freeze the balls off monkey brass.” Generals Kang and Karg are monkey brass, surely?

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