You must be writing from Canada, right? Surely you know more about dealing with cold temperatures than I do. I’m the wrong interstellar overlord to ask, because generally speaking, I only take over star systems that have warm, humid planets.
That was after the ill-fated expedition to capture Edmontovia XIII, known amongst the simian conqueror set as the “Monkey’s Tomb”. I invaded with a pert little army of she-üchimps decked out in tutus and plasma weapons, but we were not adequately prepared for the surface conditions on the planet.
The ambient temperature dropped to thirty below on a pretty regular basis, and then with the wind chill effect added it, whoa nelly! You know the phrase, “cold enough to freeze the balls of a brass monkey?” You probably think that has some old naval connection, but it actually originates with my great-uncle, General Karg — the original interstellar overlord, who had the family jewels encased in bronzed iridium after an unfortunate “incident” with a Bleblonian pleasure ape, you know, to protect them.
And yes, at those temperatures, they just drop off.
Ew. But, back to my question: How do you stay warm?
I find drinking single malt in a down sleeping bag works pretty well if you don’t have pleasure ape handy.
Next time: If you are trapped in a spaceship on the event horizon of a black hole, what’s the best way to get your shirts laundered?
Well sometimes proper preparation be damned, style is the key, and nothing says style like overthrowing an ice planet with a bunch of scantily clad she apes and plasma rifles…
I think the original phrase was “Cold enough to freeze the balls off monkey brass.” Generals Kang and Karg are monkey brass, surely?
Or some baser metal.