fbpx Skip to content

Ask General Kang: I heard the Pentagon experimented with a ‘gay bomb’ — do you have a favorite non-lethal weapon?

Ask General KangSeriously, a ‘gay bomb’? My guess is they got to the testing stage and discovered that making soldiers sexually irresistible to one another actually made them more efficient, vicious killers. Clearly, none of the officers running the project had ever read about Alexander the Great and his “light in the sandals” legion.

On my home planet of Neeknaw, one of my best fighting units was the Balletic Death Brigade. We recruited from the ranks of chimps proficient in the arts of ice dancing and ballet, and boy, they were scary. Especially when you told them the enemy had seen their last routine and given them a “3”.

Generally speaking, I’m not interested in non-lethal weapons, but I suppose they have their uses, particularly for crowd control.

Amplified kazoo music is brutal, and I once knew a bonobo who could drop a room full of Gorilloids-with-Fezes with his atonal rendition of “Don’t Cry for Me Argentina.”

Next time: Is it possible that my car keys have fallen through a wormhole and ended up in a parallel universe, or should I check under the couch?

Alltop contains lethal comedy. Originally published June, 2007. “Gay bomb” on Wikipedia.