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Ask General Kang: Iran detained 14 squirrels for espionage last week — what animal should I use to spy on my enemies?

Ask General KangI’m not sure if you can get them here on Earth, but on my home world, I was fond of employing two species.

For covert strikes, it’s really hard to top the Veefnovian Ninja Beetle. The exoskeleton of the beetle is the hardest material this side of the Diamond Nebula, and it has most easily annoyed temperament in the galaxy (except for some Hollywood stars and “princesses” found here on Earth.) The best way to engage the beetle is to put it in a matchbox with a small amount of genetic material from your target (for some reason nasal hair or ear wax works best), and shake it around.

The Ninja Beetle will be homicidally irritated, and wrongly blame your target as the source of its vexation.

Also, the beetle is a master with nun chucks, shuriken and an insect-scaled kusari-gama. (Not that these are necessary — it usually kills its victims by burrowing into its brain through a convenient cranial opening.) Just make sure that it doesn’t get stepped on — despite its tough carapace, it’s still just a bug.

What about surveillance though?

Oh, squirrels, definitely.

The Merovingian Paparazzi Rodent (from 5Leaze, I believe) is my favorite species. Just make sure you have an iron-clad contract with them before you send them out — if they think they can earn a quick buck by selling your surveillance photos to Time or Die Welt, they will.

P.S. Mental_floss has a nice roundup of other Earth animals used for spying. Hat tip to Old Is the New New for breaking this important story.

Next time: I’m pretty sure my cat is writing snide comments about me on Facebook — how do I get it to stop?