Ask General Kang: I’ve heard that one of the first things women check out is your footwear. What if I wear sandals?

Wow, this is a tough one. First of all, I don’t put anything on my feet, so I’m not really sure what this “footwear” concept is all about. (Don’t be fooled by my picture, those boots were added with Photoshop.)

However, I do know a little something about the human female, from hours of observation and from my own (ahem) extensive experience with females of my own species.

They’re probably trying to figure out how much money you make. Human females seem to be primarily concerned with money and power rather than attractiveness, so they are probably not making an aesthetic judgment on your shoes. That’s what this “footwear” is called, right, shoes?

My advice would be to wear something made out of solid gold or platinum or perhaps something studded with diamonds and other gems. The shinier and gaudier the better. Don’t leave any room for her make a mistake. Ensure that she knows you are loaded.

Or you could go with the “shock and awe” option and purchase some jet-propelled clogs armed with tactical nukes (and it probably wouldn’t hurt if they were studded with jewels and a few rotating knives).

Or, it might be a sex thing. Get extra large shoes, just in case that’s it.

And for Klugnar’s sake, dump the Jesus boots!

Next time: I think my boyfriend is cheating on me with some kind of alien space-bimbo. What can I do to win him back?

Alltop is hardly an alien space-bimbo, but it doesn’t wear shoes. Originally published May, 2008.