Ask General Kang: People always get upset when I tell them what they should do in the bedroom. How do I get them to listen to God's word?

What I like about most churches is they’re set up in a rigid hierarchical structure; this makes their believers more apt to follow a strong leader (like an interstellar overlord/advice columnist we all know). Aside from an obsession with bowing to divine authority, church-groups tend to be a little obsessed with our sex lives, particularly fundamentalist religions.

But you know this, and you’re trying to get the non-believers to do what the mythical creature you call God commands, right?

I’ve found the best way to enforce compliance is the threat of torture — preferably through music. Perhaps you could create some kind of “choir” or “ensemble” to regale the non-believers with dissonant and dreary chanting, and/or goopy organ music accompanied by mumbling parishioners.

Back on Neecknaw, I had a troop of Rhesus monkeys I’d trained in the art of deadly atonal whistling. If the dissidents would not bow to this excruciating torture, I’d send in the bonobos with uber-tubas and high-density plasma kazoos. Worked every time.

But I don’t want to torture non-church members, I want to make them part of the body of Christ!

Then promise them something — I don’t know, immortality … or how about immortality plus seventy-seven well-schooled virgins to slake their unfulfilled sexual depravities in the afterlife?

Next time: I’ve just been promoted and I’m worried about what to do. Should I choose plastic or paper?