Ask General Kang: We've just had a Christmas election called, but I think it's kind of meaningless because the Canadian political system is out of order anyway. How would you fix it?

You don’t know what out of order is! I’d show you, but I’m too old, I’m too tired, I’m too freakin’ insane. If I were half the primate I was five years ago, I’d take a flamethrower to the place! Out of order? Who the hell do you think you’re talkin’ to? I’ve been around, you know–

Scent of a woman, right?

Yeah. Like my Pacino? Whoo-ah. Hah!

Seriously though, flamethrower IS one option. If you’ve got a problem with a whole system, fixing it is often harder than razing it to the ground and starting again.

Still, you may have some attachment to your quaint parliamentary “democracy”, and wish to update it for the new millennium. Have you thought about abolishing political parties and forcing the unaffiliated delegates (MPs, in your case) to vote in a Prime Minister and ruling cabinet?

Or you could go the route of Planet Maxicon, where the elected delegates fight it out with whiffle bats in the House of Pain, and the Last Politician Standing becomes First Minister. Do you know how long it takes to beat someone into unconsciousness with a whiffle bat? Planet Maxicon is famous for governments with serious political will. They get things done!

Then again, perhaps you could have some kind of referendum or plebiscite or something that convenes a new kind of government, but I think you should go with the whiffle bats.

Either that or invite me to become Canada’s new ruling chimp.

I mean, it’s not like you could do better.

Next time: What is your policy on the subject of shaving?