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Beijing Olympic Mascot Demonstration Sports: Administrative Detention Triathlon

Beijing Olympics -- Administrative Detention TriathlonBEIJING, CHINA (The Skwib) — In the lead-up to the opening ceremonies, the Beijing Olympic Committee unveiled one final demonstration sport for the 2008 Summer Olympiad.

Administrative Detention Triathlon promises to be an exciting new sport which combines the “sweet science” of boxing with the Greco-Roman thrills of wrestling and the Orwellian logic of the Beijing Olympics.

“Is more exciting than Tibetan Dissident Biathlon or even Hu Flung Falongong,” a Beijing Olympic Committee source told The Skwib.

As in any multi-sport event, the “athletes” will have several events in which they’ll compete. First off, they will have to run through the streets of Beijing. How long is up to them, really, but when they stop or are caught — whichever comes first — that’s when the next event begins. (Note: most of the “athletes” who plan to compete in this event have been training in some of the most polluted environments available — Mexico City, Los Angeles and Rush Limbaugh’s underpants — thought it is worth noting that the Chinese competitors have been working out in Linfen, Shanxi Province.)

So assuming the competitors manage to survive the breathing difficulties of Beijing’s “blue skies”, they will eventually be caught, when the next event starts. The host country has gallantly volunteered its “police services” to help with this event, in which the competitors are “made to see the light” and “shown the error of their ways.”

Inevitably, the competitors will find themselves shackled, and then they’ll be whisked away to an un-named location where a court of International Olympic Committee (IOC) functionaries will put the demonstrators — I mean competitors — under house arrest. If they logged really good times, they’ll be sent to IOC headquarters in Lausanne, Switzerland, where they will begin their “re-education.” (No doubt this includes a regimen of punctuality, yodeling and doing nasty things for money.)

Note: the smart money is on the Chinese team, though the Algerian, Egyptian, Syrian and US teams are also expected to do well. Canada is not fielding a full team, though several Metis from Winnipeg are expected to compete.

Funny? Outrageous? You tell us.

For readers who’ve only discovered The Skwib in the past couple of years, you may have missed the series we’ve done on the Beijing Olympic Mascots, and a number of demonstration sports planned for Beijing this summer. We will be running them again this week, just in case.

Related articles:

Top Five Sponsors to Ignore During the Olympics:

  • Coke
  • McDonald’s
  • GE
  • Johnson & Johnson
  • Nike.

Also spotted practicing for this one: predator press, humor-blogs.com and alltop.


  1. I didn’t even realise those were handcuffs on the panda at first; I thought it was a rather exotic bra. I think that says a lot about my thought processes. Anyhoo, I’m off to Beijing in a few months time so I might partake in some post-Olympics triathloning. Triathleteering? Triatherising? Well, whatever the bloody word is.

  2. Oh darn it! I forgot to sign my name “Mark (The Fake One)”. This is really going to confuse Claire.

  3. Fixed!

    BTW, seeing as this is one of the many sites banned in China, you may want to find an alias for your comments here anyway. (At least until you return safely, with all your organs intact and your body cavities inviolate.) 🙂

  4. That’s okay; my site’s blocked too. Then again, my site is blocked by a lot of Web(Lack Of Any)Sense-type software rendering it inaccessible to a great swathe of businesses in the West as well so I can’t really complain. I’ve tried telling the WebSenseless people that I’m not a porn site but it seems that they make their money by blocking sites and telling companies what a great job they’re doing and there’s nothing actually in it for them to remove sites from their list so they ignore you.

  5. Where do I sign up for this event. It sounds like a riot.

  6. I’m sure they could make room for you. Just fly to Beijing, look for the TV cameras, and unfurl your “free Tibet” banner.

  7. This sounds like it could be the second best Olympic event behind handball.

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