We manage to get the translation close, and I only have a short distance to swim.
This is an excellent thing, because as familiar as I am with swimming — in aether, liquid, thought — the hominid form I’ve adapted seems to have a panic response to water.
But I am a higher life form; I can control the primitive adrenaline gland and its awful secretions. The tides are in my favor and I slide through the surf to the beach outside of a town the natives call “Hartlepool”.
I am on Earth soil, and my mission truly begins.
I have disguised myself as an Earth primate; I wear the strange coverings adopted by other important hominids on this backward planet. [picture]
Backwards. Yes, but the landmasses have proved impervious to penetration by our space-time wave-distortion apparatus. This is the closest we have gotten, and soon, I’m confident I will learn the secret.
On the beach I am accosted by two native primates, noticeably taller but less muscular than the disguise I wear.
“‘Allo, what ‘ave we here?” the tallest of them says, “it’s a monkey in a uniform.”
“Ooo, that’s adorable, it is!” says the other — a female of the species?
I ask them where I can find the device that prevents space-time displacement.
My translator vocalizes:
“Greetings. My am being Kang. Known, when I to appreciate them, the units of flesh-pie wormhole masticating barfundo.”
From their reaction I can tell the outgoing part of my translator is not functioning properly.
“The bleedin’ monkey talks!”
“That ain’t right!” says the male. With that, they run away. I follow — the locomotive ganglia of this disguise does not seem to be as well adapted to perambulation as the other primates.
Soon other hominds appear. They capture me, and I am questioned.
“Are you a spy?” one of the magistrates asks me.
Perhaps this planet is not as unsophisticated as we thought.
I dare not risk the translator again, and remain silent, and discover that they think I am French.
I am relieved. I may die, but we were right. They are backwards …
Inspired by: British Town’s Curious Simian Myth | Lost in Translation
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