Ask General Kang: What kind of drug policies do you have on your home world?

Interesting question, no doubt prompted by the recent vote for the decriminalizing of marijuana possession in Washington.

Given the bloodthirsty nature of my intergalactic conquests, you will be surprised to learn that we do not have any prohibitions against selling, buying, owning or using drugs on Planet Neecknaw. Check the Kargnakian Code — there’s nothing there.

There are, however, severe penalties for not performing one’s duties. Whether you are a member of my elite tutu-wearing plasma chimp forces, or a broadsword-swinging, fez-wearing gorilloid in my crack Holy Crap, Those are Gorilloids with Broadswords! Legion, you are expected to be able to perform your duties.

Well, as you know, drug use (and of course I include Psychlo-Mebnumbian Brain Slugs and wire-heading) can impair one’s ability to fire a plasma rifle, swing a broadsword, or even fill out a spreadsheet properly. If you are living on one of my planets, I suggest you only use these mind-altering substances when you are not going to be on duty.

And what happens if you do?

You know how they use to hang, draw and quarter people for crimes like treason? Well, he have something very similar, we: Pauly-Shore, Carrot-Top, and Luba-Goy our drug-addled offenders. Then we throw them into the Pit-Inhabited-By That-Thing-They’re-Afraid-Of, for as long as it take for them to die of terror.

Nasty.

Hey man, it doesn’t generate as many jobs as US drug policy, but it is effective.

Next Time: I’ve been trying to wrap my head around this whole relativity thing, and I’m not having any luck. When I do, will it help me decide what to have for lunch?

Alltop always knows what it wants for lunch. Originally published (with a different lead paragraph) in May, 2006.