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Qatar, United Arab Emirates, in robot jockey arms race

By on July 17, 2005 in Monkeys!, Odd Science, Parody & Satire

Never mind Al-Qaeda, the Israeli-Palestinian conflict, or the insurgency in Iraq, a new terror threatens the sensitive oil-rich region of Arabia.

The Ungulator Mark XCamel racing.

A favourite pastime amongst the Arab upper classes, camel racing is now the hot-button issue of the region. Many countries have abolished the use of children as jockeys, and have moved to develop light-weight robot jockeys to replace them.

Qatar was first out of the gate with the CyberCamel 3000, a lightweight robot capable of guiding a camel at nearly the same speed as boy jockey of the same mass.

The CyberCamel 3000 is armed with six light-weight tac missiles with explosive warheads; it also has a taser-like appendage capable of delivering 50,000 volt stun charge. (In the prototype this was to disable the camel in case the robot lost control of the beast, but it has been effective at close-in combat with enemy soldiers.) The other appendage holds a riding crop.

Since then, the United Arab Emirates (UAE) have tested the Ungulator Mark X, a doll-like robot that is surprisingly huggable. (Not recommended if the Ungulator is in assault mode, in which case the plush fur-like covering is electrostatically charged and capable of delivering a lethal high-amp charge.) In addition to this defensive measure, the Ungulator’s googley-eyes contain the world’s first effective weaponized lasers.

Since the successful tests of these two robots, Kuwait has launched its own crash program, with a biological focus. Instead of expensive robots, Kuwait is experimenting with a variety of primates, psychotropic compounds and high doses of mutagenic radiation. They plan to release ChimpZilla Camel Guided “Fun Bombs” later this year.

Inspired by:
Taipei Times article | BBC article

Ask General Kang: Can I Be More Charismatic?

By on July 11, 2005 in Ask General Kang, Monkeys!, Odd Science

General Kang -- a portraitAbsolutely, it is easy for you to be more charismatic, though you will never be as appealing as I am.

According to Professor Richard Wiseman (I’m not sure what he’s a professor of, but he’s British and his last name is “wise” “man”, so he must be a reliable source), 50 percent of charisma is innate and 50 percent can be taught. For some of us, it’s more like 90/10.

The good professor says charismatic people have three key attributes:

  • they feel emotions themselves quite strongly;
  • they induce them in others;
  • and they are impervious to the influences of other charismatic people.

So, if you are naturally drawn to my finely chiseled face, and rendered speechless by my presence (as most of you are) then you are not impervious to the charisma of others.

However, you can train yourself to become inured to other magnetic personalities. Continue Reading →

It’s orange, it’s arty, it’s Orangurrific! Call my lawyer.

By on July 5, 2005 in But is it art?, Monkeys!, Odd Science

Like the suicidal Deep Impact probe, a plucky Austrian Orangutan has burst through the outer crust of the distant and icy art world to revealed the mysteries that lie within.

Collectors are flooding the Schoenbrunn Zoo in Vienna with requests to purchase paintings done by the Orangu-master, Nonja.

Perhaps this is inspired by the recent sale of Congo the Chimp’s primitive artwork for more than $25,000? No, that can’t be true!

There is no crass commercial reason for Nonja’s popularity, but an explosive realization of her brilliance. She’s orange. She’s arty. She paints with her toes AND hands.

Not only that, she has to deal with the repugnant Vladimir, her erstwhile boyfriend who is no doubt jealous of her success after his failure to produce such exquisite works of art as Nonja. (She lost thousands in commissions after he ate several of her completed works.)

One can only hope that she is not sued by Vladimir for his gastro-intestinal distress, much like NASA is being sued for altering the horoscope of a beleaguered Russian astrologist. It could happen.

Vladimir has a very good lawyer.

Loony lawsuit | Schoenbrunn Zoo | Loony

Agent Kang, Trans-Dimensional Goof

By on June 7, 2005 in Monkeys!, Skwibby fiction

We manage to get the translation close, and I only have a short distance to swim.

This is an excellent thing, because as familiar as I am with swimming — in aether, liquid, thought — the hominid form I’ve adapted seems to have a panic response to water.

But I am a higher life form; I can control the primitive adrenaline gland and its awful secretions. The tides are in my favor and I slide through the surf to the beach outside of a town the natives call “Hartlepool”.

I am on Earth soil, and my mission truly begins.

I have disguised myself as an Earth primate; I wear the strange coverings adopted by other important hominids on this backward planet. [picture]

Backwards. Yes, but the landmasses have proved impervious to penetration by our space-time wave-distortion apparatus. This is the closest we have gotten, and soon, I’m confident I will learn the secret.

On the beach I am accosted by two native primates, noticeably taller but less muscular than the disguise I wear.

“‘Allo, what ‘ave we here?” the tallest of them says, “it’s a monkey in a uniform.”

“Ooo, that’s adorable, it is!” says the other — a female of the species?

I ask them where I can find the device that prevents space-time displacement.

My translator vocalizes:
“Greetings. My am being Kang. Known, when I to appreciate them, the units of flesh-pie wormhole masticating barfundo.”

From their reaction I can tell the outgoing part of my translator is not functioning properly.

“The bleedin’ monkey talks!”

“That ain’t right!” says the male. With that, they run away. I follow — the locomotive ganglia of this disguise does not seem to be as well adapted to perambulation as the other primates.

Soon other hominds appear. They capture me, and I am questioned.

“Are you a spy?” one of the magistrates asks me.

Perhaps this planet is not as unsophisticated as we thought.

I dare not risk the translator again, and remain silent, and discover that they think I am French.

I am relieved. I may die, but we were right. They are backwards …

Inspired by: British Town’s Curious Simian Myth | Lost in Translation