Ask General Kang: Should I declare bankruptcy?

That is a big decision, but if your finances are as messy as a Prufeenian Fecal Monkey lobbing huge —

Sorry, I meant EMAIL bankruptcy. You know, where you just delete all your email.

You can do that?

Yeah, and then I’m thinking that I’ll just use the phone, or fax, or whatever

But if you do that, then the spammers will have won.

They already have won. I can’t even answer all my regular emails.

I don’t know, this smacks of defeatism. I think a better solution is to create some kind of bio-weapon that targets people who send you unwanted or unnecessary emails.

Bio-weapon?

Yes, I know that on Mephitis VI, there is a kind of multi-appendaged gut worm that can emit a high-pitched whining sound, which is a combination of noise similar to a mosquito’s buzz and about 100 overtired children stuffed into a mini-van. At the same time, each appendage is capable of delivering a neurotoxin that causes bits of your face to fall off and necrotize rapidly into a bubbly goo that smells worse than the Stench-Beast of Vomitus XII. Now, if would could somehow cage these beasts and attach them to people’s email programs …

I think I’ll declare email bankruptcy.

Okay, but you’re admitting defeat.

Next time: Where can I go for a good vortex cleaning?

Alltop has the dirtiest vortex on the web. Originally published in May, 2007.