General Kang has only been on our planet for a little over a year, but he has agreed to produce his own Holiday Gift Guide for us as well. The good simian overlord/advice columnist is an enthusiastic gift giver, though we don’t think he quite gets the “peace on Earth” sentiment of the season.
Mind Control Devices
First on his list, General Kang has suggested that you might want to buy your loved ones a powerful mind control device. This will make them more tractable when he finally decides to take over.
Price: $400+, various makers
Chimp Brigade Equipment
When he was at his height of power, General Kang was the feared leader of the Chimp Brigade, known throughout the galaxy for their powerful plasma weapons and bright pink tutus. Though you can’t exactly get plasma weapons off the shelf, they are in development, leading General Kang to suggest the following gifts. You can at least get the tutus ready.
Price: $500,000 +, Plasma weapons (in development)
Price: $9.50, Bandu Tutu
He was also once the commander of the Holy Crap, Those are Gorilloids with Broadswords! Legion, and those items ARE readily available.
Price: $99, Broadswords from Strongblade
Price: $8.99, Budget Fez from Ozzie Dots
For the kids
General Kang also realized that you might wish to purchase some gifts for your “human spawn”, and though he is hardly the nurturing type, he did suggest this fun gift, which is a stuffed parrot that shouts things at you as you walk by. We should caution that this item, while hilarious, is not really appropriate for children, unless you want your six-year-old learning the phrase: “Hey Baby! Show us your tits!”
Price: $19.95, Inappropriate parrot by Twisted Toy Store
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