OTTAWA (The Skwib) — In a media conference this morning, Prime Minister Stephen Harper surprised pundits and announced that the next budget would include massive tax breaks and grants the Canadian high-tech and brewing industries.
“We must close the beer-robot gap as quickly as possible,” Harper told the assembled reporters.
When asked why this was in any way important, Harper produced the Japanese brewer Asahi’s new beer-pouring robot, “Mr. Happy Fun Drinking Device”. The robot opened a beer and poured it into a glass.
Harper did not drink the beer, but instead left it on the stage floor, near the front, where The Skwib reporter was sitting.
“It’s vital that Canada maintain a strong presence in the beer-robot industry, indeed, the entire high-tech alcoholic beverage industry,” Harper said. “We’ve also heard of Austrian robots that can mix a good margarita.”
When asked if he didn’t already have enough to worry about, the possibility of his budget not passing, a vote of non-confidence, the fact that he was an uptight control-freak, and so on, Harper said the new tax breaks and grants might actually help with some of the other problems facing the government.
“Yes, there are incentives to make these new beer-robots multifunctional. If anyone in the aerospace industry can make these fly, and patrol the Canadian artic, then we’ll really have something.”
He said that loaded with Canadian beer, this kind of robot would be excellent at deterring the American navy from encroaching on Canadian artic sovereignty.
“A few large-sized Canadian beers should be enough to disrupt most operations on any American sub,” Harper said, adding that it is well-known most American beer is “like having conjugal relations in a canoe.”
Mr. Harper ignored The Skwib when we asked if Mr. Happy Fun Drinking Device had any peanuts to go with the beer.