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Tag Archives | über-chimp

Ask General Kang: How do you beat high gas prices?

By on May 4, 2011 in Ask General Kang, Monkeys!

Ask General KangI have never owned one of your quaint “internal combustion engine” vehicles, so I have not had to worry about the high price of gas, but I have been getting nailed on the cost of most foods appropriate for the Thringian Keg-Beast that I ride to work every day.

On my home planet, I fed my Keg-Beast leftover hyper-bananas from the über-chimp orgy the night before, but since I’ve been on Earth, there has been a dearth of both hyper-bananas (apparently they won’t grow in your frigid Earth climate) and über-chimp swinging events (this explains why I am so cranky). So, I’ve found alternatives; the Keg-Beast works best on a mixture of corn syrup, mescaline and the sweat of writers living in a state of quiet despair. Most of those elements are plentiful and relatively cheap, but do you have any idea how costly corn syrup is?

You humans are stupid! You’re burning fossil fuels to grow corn, which you turn into ethanol to burn along with your fossil fuels. Why don’t you just cut out the middle-man and take a flamethrower to your cornfields when they’re ripe? You will lose only a fraction of the energy value and most of the vegetable matter will end up adding to global warming. As an added bonus: big fire!

Then your planet will be able to grow hyper-bananas, and all will be well.

… Assuming we can get a few female über-chimps down here too.

Next time: I’m trapped in the Andromeda galaxy because my hyper-drive engine is asking for a better benefits package — how do it get it back to work without giving it full dental?

Alltop would try this, but it’s allergic to bananas.

Ask General Kang: How can I get more respect?

By on September 21, 2010 in Ask General Kang, Monkeys!

Ask General KangIt depends on how much respect you’re looking for, really. I mean, if you just want your friends, family and neighbours to respect you then it should be pretty easy.

From what I can see, your smaller primate groupings here on Earth tend to respect strength of character, kindness and consideration of others. So for starters, stop acting like a pretentious wanker, insufferable know-it-all, or complete douchebag. (People usually lose respect for individuals for one of those reasons.)

But if you’re looking for respect from a larger grouping of primitive hominids (that’s you, humans) — let’s say from the size of a corporation up to the size of a nation — this will require power too.

For my money, nothing says power like a phalanx of Über-Chimps decked out in gold spandex and helmets that look like the business end of a whale phallus. Oh, and they have to be toting plasma weapons too, or the look just doesn’t work. Unfortunately, all your backwards planet seems to think plasma is good for making televisions show crappy content in higher definition.

So, give your primitive technology I’d start building a thermonuclear weapon right now, and some kind of delivery system. (No one would expect a llama.)

My advice is to test it on a holiday weekend for maximum impact.

Next Time: I’ve read somewhere that time dilates near the event horizon of a black hole. Does that feel anything like my early morning Intro to Psychology class?

Alltop is a singularity of humor. Originally published, oh, let’s say … before.