Associate Figures...St. Catherine Among the Hermaphrodites

Catherine, the fourth sister, had earlier given up her life of prostitution to repent as a nun at the Worcestershire Convent and Buggy Wash in Liverpool. After a decade of life as a quiet penitent and carriage lamp detailer, Catherine found her calling as a missionary and devoted the rest her life to a South Pacific colony of poor outcasts of sexual ambiguity. Though still far from beatification, let alone sainthood in the eyes of the Church, she is already known in the tiny archipelago of Laigo Maiago as St. Catherine Among The Hermaphrodites.

Before her religious conversion Catherine Flannigan was perhaps the most notorious of the libidinous Flannigan sisters of London. While all the sisters, with the exception of the virtuous Molly, were said to be "somewhat wild", it was said that Catherine's curvaceous frame had carried more gentlemen than London Bridge at rush hour. All that came to an end, however, one night when Catherine was retained to be the escort of a diplomat at a grand soiree at the Swedish embassy. The diplomat, a strapping Norwegian named Sven Hogumhardt, introduced the lovely Catherine to a number of members of the Swedish court. The assembled dignitaries each said they were delighted to meet Catherine - as if they did not know her. (In fact several had known Catherine on numerous occasions.)

At the soiree Hogumhardt also introduced Catherine to some of the culinary delicacies of Scandinavia. Among them was a strange foul smelling gelatinous substance that Catherine consumed against her better judgment. "Yaw, that be Lutefisk," said Hogumhardt. Later that night, Catherine left the contentedly sleeping Hogumhardt in his bed. By the moonlight she was wracked by the most wretched gastric pain imaginable. In her agony she cried out to the Lord in heaven, "Holy Jesus, let me live through this night and I swear. Never again!"

Filled with the light of saving grace, Catherine resolved to give up her wayward life and become a bride of Christ. She made her way to Liverpool and entered the Worcestershire Convent and Buggy Wash. There she was lived a simple and contented life as a penitent and carriage lamp detailer. With the simple honest work of the convent, and her life of prayer, Catherine found contentment. [1] She would have gladly stayed at the convent for the rest of her days if not for a chance encounter with a hermaphrodite interloper one night in the convent garden.

The Victorian era was not a good time for individuals of ambiguous genitalia. In fact the term "hermaphrodite" was invented by Victorian doctors who, convinced that there were only two "true" sexes, categorized individuals as "Male Pseudo-Hermaphrodite" or "Female Pseudo-Hermaphrodite" based on the presence of gonads. A "True Hermaphrodite" would be that most unlikely individual who possessed a complete set of equipment for both "true" sexes.

The sexual appetite of the individual, as well as affectations such as the wearing of bloomers and corsets, were of no consequence to the all-knowing paternalistic surgeons of the day. Once the presence of love jewels, or lack thereof, was ascertained, a "diagnosis" was made. Christines become Christophers and Samuels became Samanthas. Scalpel wielding surgeons, always eager to set right the wayward acts of creation, would eagerly set to work at the slightest sign of "abnormality". Those unwilling to go under the knife, or act as the sex they had been "diagnosed" as being a member of, would be branded perverts or mentally deficient.

Kerry Robyn Frances Kylie, also known simply as "Pat", was a leader of a secret underground sect dedicated to liberating hermaphrodites from the strictures of the day. The group operated a kind of underground railway, spiriting young hermaphrodites from the city before they could be surgically altered or socially conditioned against their will. It was Pat Kylie that Catherine found one night trying to hide in the convent turnip patch. Catherine had been out for an evening walk, pondering her calling. Pat was on the run from the local constabulary and had scaled the convent walls in search of a convenient hiding place.

Little detail exists about the ensuing encounter. What is known is that, after giving Catherine quite a fright, Kylie begged the shaken Sister not to be turned over to the authorities. She asked what terrible crime had caused the Kylie to be a fugitive.

"None, mum, but who and what I am," replied Kylie. When Catherine protested that men were not allowed within the walls of the convent, Kylie could only shrug. "That shan't be a problem, mum. Well, er, not exactly a problem."

There ensued a discussion of Kylie's unique attributes. While Catherine was initially horrified she found herself strangely drawn to the charismatic Kylie. She agreed to give Kylie shelter as well as any other members of the underground leader's "poor besotted kind." In her journal she notes the following:

At first Catherine only harbored Kylie, but soon others were being hidden in the garden shed, the pantry, and the wine cellar. The place was soon crawling with Robyns, Pats, Sams and Taylors. The Superior initially looked the other way, letting the otherwise virtuous and respected nun indulger her strange hobby, but soon it became apparent that Catherine had to give up her obsession with these people or quit the convent.

Catherine knew they would have to leave. But where could they go? Anywhere in England, or on the Continent, there would be persecution and misunderstanding. No. It would have to be a place far away. A place where "m'darlin' hermies can live in peace." The answer lay far away from England's shores in the South Pacific. Catherine's Order owned a parcel of land on the tiny island of Laigo Maiago. She petitioned to be allowed to establish a chapter house there. The Order heaved a sigh of relief at the prospect of getting rid of Catherine, and her strange obsession, and granted her request.

The next task was to get her charges, now numbering more than 30, away from the convent and safely aboard ship. Catherine booked passage on the pacific-bound HMS Onshur. She hit upon the brilliant idea of disguising the lot of them as monastic pilgrims. On the morning of July 16, 1863, Liverpool witnessed a procession the likes of which had not been seen since the Middle Ages. Three dozen hymn-singing robed and cowled figures of indeterminate age and sex made their way down to the docks and boarded the HMS Onshur. Destination - the South Seas.

After an uneventful crossing, Catherine and her charges set up their little island paradise. Catherine ministered to their needs for 15 more happy years. She died in 1882 of food poisoning when she ate some bad papaya. As with the Pitcairn Island descendants of Fletcher Christian and his fellow mutineers, there remain today descendants of the Hermaphrodites of Laigo Maiago. In fact it is these descendants who, in recent years, have been most vocal in the cause of sainthood for Catherine.

Canonization in the Catholic Church is no simple affair. There are tribunals and investigations and petitions by representatives for and against the measure. It is not unlike a modern day trial with prosecution and defense. There are some basic aspects of the process, however, that are relevant here.

First, to get the ball rolling there has to be proof of a "local cultus" or popular devotion to the candidate. This, Catherine has, in her devoted followers on Laigo Maiago. The 50 or so residents revere Catherine, or Aunt Katie as they sometimes call her, as a saintly and benevolent spirit of the island. This group has petitioned their local bishop in the cause of Catherine on several occasions.

A local following is only the beginning. After that it gets somewhat complicated. A saint must have had a life of heroic or exemplary virtue. Then, there is the matter of the miracles. One miracle will get you in the door, two are good for beatification, and three will clinch canonization. [2] While Catherine's acts on behalf of her charges may be considered heroically virtuous, there have been no observed or verified miracles associated with Catherine.

The lack of miracles has occurred in spite of the best efforts of the residence of Laigo Maiago. A number of claims have been sent up the clerical ladder and all have been turned down. The case of the miraculously healed ingrown toenail was dismissed for lack of evidence as was the hammer found after being lost for five years. The claim of Catherine's intercession on behalf of the 1969 New York Mets was not even considered.

Some may think that Catherine's early life as a prostitute would weigh against her cause for sainthood. In fact the church loves a reformed sinner, particularly those who get thoroughly debauched before resolving to button up and fly right. As St. Catherine she would join the company of some of the greatest names of the Church going back to St. Augustine (Randy to his friends), a great father of the Church who "knew" more than half of Carthage, Rome and Milan before his long-suffering mother Monica got him turned on to a better career. [3]

It also must be admitted that, in addition to lack of evidence of miracles, the subject of Catherine's ministry has caused a certain amount of discomfort in the Church hierarchy. Already skittish at the thought that people with supposedly regular sets of genitalia occasionally use said equipment for the sheer pleasure of it, the idea of non-standard roles and pairings is somewhat distressing. Bishop Flaherty O'Flaherty, head of the Vatican's Congregation of Saints We Don't Take Very Seriously, was overheard remarking on Catherine's case, "Why the blazes couldn't she have settle down with a nice bunch of lepers?"

[1] Since the time of St. Benedict (534 AD) work has been an integral part of monastic life. The work of monasteries is usually associated with the production of wine or cheese or other agricultural products, or with the intellectual work of scholarship. There have, however, been exceptions such as the Cobbler Fathers Of Padua who made shoes and Les pères des jolis planchers du Lyon who were very good at waxing floors. The buggy wash at Worcestershire, which was built in a barn like structure with an entrance gate at one end and an exit at the other, anticipated the design of the modern car wash 50 years before the first horseless carriages hit the road.

[2] Of course you can bypass a couple of miracles if your candidate is a martyr. Martyrdom is the fast track to being declare "blessed" in the eyes of the Church (beatified) and is a short hop to sainthood. Unfortunately, Catherine's demise was quite ordinary and her last words, "Oh Christ, not this again!" are considered of no special significance.

[3] Monica was rewarded by the Church with a sainthood of her own and is the patron saint of suffering mothers of underachieving slackers.

Associated Figures