Read the poetry of Joseph "Spungy" Freakinswad:

The Mad Mountaineer

This evening is further elucidated by the following account, excerpted from the archives of the Metropolitan Police:

In his Record of Duties dated March 7, 1857, Parish Constable Horace Floote writes…

"… Mrs. Floote having seen to my supper, I did proceed on my rounds to the intersection of Thrawl Street and Brick Lane where, in the course of carrying out my appointed duties,(1) I came upon three men, potted as plants, engaging in what appeared to be a spirited match of Indian leg-wrestling. It was clear from the cut of their jibs and their command of the idiom that two were Englishmen, but I suspected immediately that the gent in the feathered cap was from the Continent. My suspicions were confirmed when, in response to my polite request to see his alien registration, he pulled down his short leather trousers and attempted to mount my proud steed, Eulalia, in a manner far from befitting a gentleman. I have no doubt that the devil would have done the same to me next, had I not proceeded to give him a thorough clubbing…

… the foreigner, one Gunter Gruntz, claims to be from somewhere called "The Tea-Roll," which I imagine is a pub in his native land. His companions, who call him "The Mad Mountaineer," say he is Austrian but he sounds German if you ask me. This Gruntz is rather pongy, to say the least, so I have put him in the cell with the window…

… the other two seem harmless enough, if a bit squiffy. The younger man is named Joseph Freakinswad, if you can credit it, and goes by the nickname "Spongy," an apt description of both his alcohol-sodden brain and of his ample rear end. (2) He claims to be the well-known "Poet of Bankside" not to mention the "Master of Titembetic Rhythm" (3) (whatever on God’s green Earth that might be) but, thankfully, is currently incapable of demonstrating his poetic prowess due to being completely smashed. I have given him a bucket in the event that his Muse comes to visit unexpectedly…

… the last of this well-oiled lot is an older man, one Michael Finnegan,(4) who gives his occupation as "inventor." I ask you: Do they take me for a fool? A mountaineer, a poet and an inventor, drunk as lords on the Whitechapel cobbles… not bloody likely. No, from their incoherent babbling and sorry appearance, not to mention that strange wind instrument (5) they were carrying – perhaps it was a flugelhorn – they are clearly itinerant musicians…

… and so, I will hold them in the cells until they have seen sobriety’s dawn. Perhaps, if I am feeling jolly, I will have them play me a tune before I send them on their way. Of course, for Eulalia’s continued peace of mind, I will ensure that Gruntz is returned to the Continent via Dover on the first packet boat…

… Excerpt ends

--"Scholarship" by the Flyboy

Read: The Mad Mountaineer

1) Constables of the Met had various non-criminal responsibilities, including the licensing of hackney cabs, the regulation of traffic, obstructions and street trading, and the registration and supervision of aliens. [back]

2) PC Floote appears to have misheard. Freakinswad’s nickname was not "Spongy" but rather "Spungy," an affectionate Hungarian pet name meaning "small mind, large hind." Family records indicate that Freakinswad (born Jozsef Frakinsvath) emigrated from his native Hungary to Britain as a small child. [Back]

3) The term 'titembetic' stems from the Greek, titembas. The titembas, appearing in the plays of Phecoldesasies ("The Runts," "Pericles that Wanker," and his best known play, "The Balls-up at the Bosphorus") were a specially trained chorus. Instead of the normal footgear (enormous platform shoes that predated the 1970s by thousands of years), the titembas wore specially constructed shoes that resembled woman's breasts. As a consequence their gait was quite awkward and amusing. The titembas sometimes would wear this footgear on their chests, to the outrage of some stodgy theatre-goers, but to the great enthusiasm of the masses.

The Encyclopedia of Obscure Terms (Oxfjord University Press) has this to say on the subject: "Titembetic: from the Greek titembas, is a form of trochee – a metrical foot comprised of a stressed syllable followed by an unstressed syllable. Most famously used in Phecoldesasies' "The Runts." Titembetic rhythm is rather silly and is generally shunned by sensible poets. [Back]

4) This error may explain why Flannigan’s incarceration does not appear in other historical records. However, it remains unclear why, with a name like "Finnegan," Flannigan was mistaken for an Englishman. [Back]

5) A test model of Flannigan’s Particulate Breathing Apparatus. [Back]