William Thudworth St. John Smith, the rarely celebrated poet of Spidgy-on-the-Thames, ended his days as a peanut farmer in Perth County, Ontario, Canada. The author of such not-really-memorable works as "The Sun on the Dead Cossack’s Brain" and "What To Do With A Turk’s Severed Foot" renounced the writing of poetry after being booted from Oxford University when it was discovered that his credentials came not from Eton but from the E. Tonne School for Girls, located near Spidgy-on-the-Thames. Until recently it was believed that St. John Smith left his writing life behind in England. That perception was changed when a small metal box was discovered in the foundation of Smith’s dilapidated and derelict farmhouse one year ago.

Many of the papers in the box were damaged beyond recognition by dampness and rust however the poem Nuts! was rescued from the decay. It is now believed that St. John Smith, who lived alone, probably turned to writing during the long Canadian winters after growing bored with endless solitary rounds of “Pinch the Peanut Shell”, a game not unlike tidily winks but far less interesting (especially when the shells get damp as they are likely to do during the long Canadian winters). Nuts! or “the Canadian poem” as it is sometimes called is the only surviving piece from this period.

There is, however, some controversy about the authorship of Nuts! Some have noted that the poem lacks St. John Smith’s signature references to violence, death and putrefaction. The poem is also a Sonnet, a form that had never previously been employed by the Spidgy poet. However, others -- like the University of Toronto’s Prof. Toye Lynn Obskurty, Distinguished Chair of Poetry, Songs, Jingles, and other Rhyming Stuff – beg to differ.

“There is no doubt that this is an authentic St. John Smith,” notes Obskurty. “One only need look at the word choice, awkward phrasing, and completely lack of lyrical syntax.”

It should also be noted that St. John Smith was also a much happier man in Canada, at least up until the time he was beaten to death with a harp by a mad woman at a Dominion Day band recital on July 1, 1906. Another “posthumous” poem, Now I Am Dead is not believed to have been written by St. John Smith as he was, well, dead. This leaves Nuts! as the last St. John Smith poem known to scholars.

--"Scholarship" by Thuder

Nuts!
by William Thudworth St. John Smith

A vision of twin nuts, in a toughish shriveled case.
Did dawn on me in the shower, one morning fair.
It came to me, this vision, I know not from what place.
I was lost in a dream, and soaping . . . down there.

Nuts! I cried in joy as my future became bright.
No more as poet with words would I toil!
The glorious peanut would be my joy and delight.
Off to Canada I’d go, to find sandy soil.

In Perth County, near Tillsonburg,
I found the right loam.
And began planting peanuts,
and shook off my poet’s gloom.
For farming, not verse,
would be my toil in this Canadian home.
And I would grow this noble nut . . .
well, actually, its a legume.

And by nuts, not poetry, I am known in this place of tobacco curing huts.
“Smith is nuts personified,” they say, or maybe it’s just, “Smith is nuts!”

 

 

 

Today Perth County, Ontario Canada accounts for a tiny fraction of the world's nuts. In 1906 the percentage was much higher.