Read Flannigan's unfinished biography here.

Bulletproof:
Michael Flannigan's Last Gunfight

Part One: The Diamond Meet

When Michael Flannigan fell in love with bicycle technology, little did he know that it would lead him to participate in one of the silliest gunfights in the history of London, Ontario or indeed, all of Southwestern Ontario.

Flannigan and Emily attended the first annual "diamond meet" at London's Historic Tecumseh Park, 1890.

The year was 1890, and Flannigan, though already 108 years old, still had a sharp mind and an eye for opportunity. The commercial possibilities of the velocipede enthralled him. Flannigan's buxom niece (and budding author), Emily Chesley, took him to Tecumseh Park to watch the first annual "diamond meet" - a bicycle race around the brick-dust path that circled the baseball field.

Flannigan took one look at the cumbersome and preposterous high-wheeled velocipedes, and knew that he could do much better. Though the high-wheeled bicycles were popular - as were the "wheelemen", the arrogant young bloods able to ride the silly things - Flannigan knew the conveyance's elevated centre of gravity would hinder any great speed and tight turns. The prolific inventor imaged a sleeker, more efficient design, and he pictured the racers zipping around the track fast enough to fly off their bikes. (No doubt causing some kind of horrible cranial trauma in the process.) Now that, thought Flannigan, would be something to watch on a nice Sunday afternoon.

He went to work almost immediately. First, he spent the evening drinking a particularly crusty port and smoking cheap, locally made cigars. Then he slept, fitfully, because of the extra crust. In the morning, he ate a fine breakfast of sauerkraut and sausage. After a short recuperative nap, he had a cup of tea. Then, he went for a stroll in his steel-toed oxfords (which he had invented after inadvertently slicing off his left pinkie toe in his workshop) and bought an evening paper. While he was doing the crossword (1) he remembered that he was going to invent something! He started the next day (after breakfast of course) at his workshop on Maitland Street, drafting the plans for his Mechanically Assisted Racing Snoorg. (2)

Emily's participation in the second annual "Diamond Meet" began a lifelong love affair with riding.

The new bicycle had two wheels, a seat, handlebars, and Flannigan's patented "spring-wound rotary propulsion thingy." (3) He prevailed upon his niece to put on a pair of trousers and race the bike for him at the next diamond meet in 1891. (Remarkably spry for his age, Flannigan nevertheless recognized that the device would surely kill him if it performed as he expected.) Though it was quite unflattering, Emily also agreed to wear Flannigan's only remaining Melon Cushioning and Cranial Protective Device, now badly scarred after years of service in Flannigan's lab.

When first seen by the crowd, the bicycle made quite an impression, but it was Emily's manner of dress that caused the real stir, or rather, the way that her curvaceous buttocks filled out her uncle's old trousers. Emily had argued that it might be better for her, more lady-like, to wear a frock, but Flannigan did not want the "spring-wound rotary propulsion thingy" setting her petticoats on fire. (4)

The race began! Emily pulled ahead almost immediately. As Flannigan had foreseen, the Snoorg's lower centre of gravity made it easier for Emily to take the corners. The springs of the cranking device assisted Emily's long, lean, luscious, perfectly shaped legs in pumping the bicycle up to great speeds.

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Notes:

1) A game of Fannigan's invention that he liked to play using the paper's headlines. Had he known how successful Arthur Wynne's 1913 creation would be, no doubt Flannigan would have patented it. [back]

2) This was during a brief period when Flannigan was trying not only to patent new inventions, but also to coin catchy phrases at the same time. There is also some indication that this was the beginning of late-onset loonyism. [back]

3) He had patented this frightening device in 1887 as an emergency source of propulsion for his Flannigan Flyer. It was made of high-tensile steel, and lubricated with graphite, cod oil and squirrel urine. [back]

4) This disagreement eventually led Emily to write her 1893 proto-feminist tract: "Pants Off!" [back]