The Inventor's Conference at MahHalem

One of the many other inventors attending the conference at MahHalem, Yousiff Habib, was unduly proud of his "ungodly noise instrument with string and box".

An Empire-wide inventor's conference at MahHelem, Palestine, in the summer of 1861, was to play host to Her Majesty's most promising scientific minds. It is at this highly competitive, bi-weekly summit that the inventive gentleman could find his way—and, indeed, his patent's way—into the lucrative. manufacturing circles of the Empire's wealthy elite.

FIannigan had been, at last, selected to attend this most prestigious event (1). Through his
unceasing inventiveness FIannigan felt his thirst for validity was near to quenching. The moment the telegram arrived to convey his good fortune, Flannigan began to ponder his brilliant inventions.

Which single piece of his engineering prowess would he take before the conference? There was the Flannigan Breast Milk Pasteurizer. There was the Animatronic Lord Surrey B. Paulsey (2). There was the brilliantly developed Pile of Gravel and Topsoil (3) -- one invention quickly ended any further consideration: The FIannigan Phlegmenantrix.

Michael FIannigan was a highly intelligent man. Whimsical and worldly, he had an excellent working knowledge of Europe's most popular languages -- German, 'Russian, French, Spanish, Turkish and Scot. Alas, unlike every other blue-blooded English Gentleman, the absence of phlegm in their primary form of linguistic communication made it most impossible to duly duplicate the pronunciation of the subordinate languages (4). The introduction of phlegm, via the Phlegmenatrix, would make it possible to fully express sentiment via the languages FIannigan laboured so much of his youth to learn. FIannigan had no doubt that (his brilliant feat of engineering could herald the beginning of a new Europe; free of linguistic barriers—and p'raps cop a few quid for the skint coffers.

With his invention chosen, and his imitation in hand, Flannigian began to make travel
arrangements. Alas, yet again, this was to be but another hurdle for Michael to jump. Flannigan's accounts were nearly exhausted, and his debts were mounting. The method of transportation was to reflect his degenerating finances — he would be forced to take The Train (5).

With the Phlegmenatrix sturdily secured and mounted to the rear of his mount FIannigan mounted the mound of his mount. (Later, he would dismount.) The 50-strong line of mules began their slow course to MahHelem later that afternoon, aiming at the French coast the following morning -- the steady pace continued through the bleak European autumn weather, ceding to an increasingly warmer and arid climate as they progressed south east. The Turkish highlands proved to be the most difficult of environments for Flannigan (6) -- with his personal supplies of food now exhausted, Michael turned to the local Muslim populace for the purchase of further sustenance. Plenty of ham was to be had, as were mysterious dark blue vegetables and tins of leaded lentils.

Fully stocked, in both stomach and rations, FIannigan's mind turned to the Inventor's Conference at MahHalem. With Palestine but a few days from their position, Michael's pulse began to rise with his visions of future personal triumph. His brow became damp with thoughts of reconciling financial debts and purchasing a fine English estate. His stomach began to chum with happiness as. his imagination saw his world-wide acceptance from his inventing peers. His bowels began to clench with the thoughts of— The LOO! Flannigan's mind quickly snapped to focus on his physical state.

A woman desmonstrates another inventor's rip-off of The Bowl-er Hat -- the Head-Mounted Toilet, with Wallah-Woman conveyance and attendant.

The Muslim ham, or perhaps the leaded lentils, did not appear to be in agreement with his Irish insides. A complete gastro-intestinal event was clearly at hand. Glancing at the barren, arid landscape around the mule trail provided no evidence of a private respite from the glaring, suspicious eye's of the mules and their guides, Flannigan thought to himself: "Where could one have a gentleman's bowel movement in such a harsh environment?"

Removing his dark cloak from a side-bag, and (the Bowler from his head, Michael's inventive qualities began to take over. With the pressing need for relief upon him, he had to work quickly; the bowler would serve as the porcelain bowl, his cloak for a privacy shield. His mule would become the W-C courtesy attendant and also provide the necessary plumbing for siphoning of all waste. As Flannigan's bowel moved and moved, it became all too clear what had occurred. Michael Flannigan had made history—empowering gentlemen travelers the world over with a Gentleman's Collapsible Bowel Movement Compartment with Mule Attendant. Michael knew that this invention eclipsed any previous creations of his... and that this improvised feat—dubbed "The Bowel-er Hat—would be the type of engineering that would turn the world on it's head.

Epilogue
Flannigan's arrival at the Palestine conference won him little historic regard. In an unfortunate twist, Flannigan's exposure of his invention prior to filing patents forced his idea into the public domain. Thus, upon his arrival to the MahHelem conference, most of the mule-riding participants had merely made hasty improvements and innovations on Michael's "Bowel-er Hat" Flannigan's thunder was stolen, and he was, yet again, forced from his rightful place among Victorian England's finest inventors.

--"Scholarship" by the Kid

Notes:

1) Though completely wearisome in its unceasing bi-weekly and multi-location
recurrences. [back]
2) Lord Surrey Bral Paulsey. Discoverer of the Surrey Bral Paulsey Syndrome—A
syndrome where a patient regularly breaks, into powerful chorus line convulsions.
Caused when a developing fetus is exposed to Gypsies. [back]
3) Topsoil and Gravel [back]
4) French and Soot [back]
5) An all-European Mule Train [back]
6) His colon [back]