Michael Flannigan:
A Life of Invention
Read the biography

The Road to Heidelberg
Part 2: The Cockup in Cabool

On January 6 th, 1842, a caravan of 4,500 troops and 12,000 camp followers, bolstered by the last-minute addition of Michael Flannigan and Desmond "Curry" Riffles, departed Cabool bound for Jalalabad. Early on the first day of the 90-mile trek, the always-inquisitive Flannigan struck up a conversation with a fellow Irishman, Dr. William Brydon, an assistant surgeon with the army. Over the next few days, in between sharing slugs from a seemingly-bottomless hip flask, Brydon caught Flannigan and Riffles up on recent events as they marched at the tail end of the lengthy procession.

As had been the case with Bokhara and Phukee, Britain wanted to control Afghanistan because of its crucial geographical situation: it could act as a buffer state to protect India from the Russians. For this reason, the British followed an active interference policy, spearheaded by George Eden, who was Earl of Auckland and Governor-General of India. Auckland and his meddling minion Sir William Macnaghten distrusted the attitude of the Afghan Amir Dost Mahommed towards Russia, and wanted to depose him in favour of a surrogateruler who could be controlled by Britain. The perfect puppet was found in a former king, Shah Shuja, who had found refuge and a pension in British territory after being driven out of Afghanistan in 1809. This much Flannigan and Riffles knew, as it had occurred before they were sent by the Russophobic Macnaghten to spy on the Russians in Phukee.

Unfortunately, Auckland’s attempt to restore Shah Shuja to the throne after a hiatus of 30 years was made against the wishes of the Afghan people. As a result, Shuja's rule could only be maintained by the continued presence of British forces to suppress rebellion and, more importantly, by the use of British funds to pay tribal chiefs for their support. Unsurprisingly, the situation was unsustainable: Shuja could not gain the support of the Afghan chiefs on his own, and the British failed to maintain their subsidies. When the cash payments to tribal chiefs were curtailed in October 1841, there had been a major revolt by the Ghilzai, and Dr. Brydon revealed that in November a senior British officer, Sir Alexander "Sekundar" Burnes, and his aides were killed by a mob in Cabool. This last piece of news came as a great personal shock to Desmond "Curry" Riffles, as he had served under Burnes in 1831. [1]

In the weeks following Burnes’ murder, Brydon explained, the British commanders General Elphinstone and Macnaghten had tried to bribe and then negotiate with the tribal leaders. Flannigan and Riffles were neither sad nor surprised to hear that Macnaghten had been killed in December in the midst of the negotiations, presumably while used the time-tested British approach to linguistic translation: speaking more and more loudly until the foreigner spontaneously begins to understand English. On January 1, 1842, the British in Cabool and a number of Afghan chiefs reached an agreement that provided for the safe exodus of the entire British garrison and its dependents from Afghanistan.

The British Caravan to Jalalabad

Dr. Brydon had been getting progressively more loquacious as the slope of the snowbound goat path they were traveling on increased, and as the level of his hip flask decreased. Michael Flannigan’s slightly sozzled scientific mind noted an inverse correlation between the rate at which Brydon’s lips flapped, and the speed at which his legs moved, resulting in a gap between the three travelers and the main body of the retreating army. In his state of heightened awareness, Flannigan may also have sensed a sudden and sizeable disparity between the amount of birdsong his ears were enjoying (lots), and the number of birds his eyes were observing (none). Whether it was a result of good management or simply a painfully full bladder the world may never know, but Michael Flannigan’s next words to Desmond "Curry" Riffles and Dr. Brydon stopped the trio in their tracks and may have altered the course of history.

"I’ve got to pee like a racehorse!", Flannigan exclaimed.[2]

As it happened, all three were champing at the bit to unbutton their flies. With the caravan disappearing around a distant bend in the narrow path, Riffles and Dr. Brydon joined Flannigan in relieving themselves over the side of the mountain. Unfortunately, the tippling Brydon was more impaired than either Flannigan or Riffles had realized and, as he gave his member what may have been in retrospect an overly vigorous shake, he toppled over the precipice. Horrified, Flannigan and Riffles peered over the edge, and watched as Brydon tumbled down the cliff-side, rebounding from rocky outcroppings, scraping against scruffy shrubs and sliding down scree. Pausing only to tuck their own manly apparatus safely away, the two adventurers launched themselves down the slope in pursuit of their companion. This heroic if imprudent act saved them from being slaughtered with the rest of the ill-fated Jalalabad caravan.

Tragically but typically, the overly-confident British had not waited for an Afghan escort to be assembled before setting out for Jalalabad. Although 18 tribal chiefs agreed to grant safe passage for the retreat caravan, the Ghilzai had not been among those who had signed the agreement. While Flannigan and Riffles were lurching down the steep hillside after the bouncing Dr. Brydon, the British column was attacked by Ghilzai warriors as they struggled through a treacherous mountain defile. Those soldiers and camp followers who were not brutally massacred in the narrows by the Afghan tribesmen subsequently died of exposure as they vainly attempted to reach Jalalabad, and the entire episode ranks as one of Britain’s greatest military catastrophes.

Ghilzai Warriors (with livestock)

History records – slightly inaccurately – that only a single officer, Dr. William Brydon, survived the retreat to reach the garrison at Jalalabad. [3] In truth, while he did avoid the senseless slaughter of his comrades-in-arms, it was more astonishing that Dr. Brydon survived his rapid descent down the mountainside. Fortunately, as Michael Flannigan later noted in his journal, Brydon had apparently achieved a state of frenellation: imbibing to the point of absolute bodily relaxation. As a result, while he was covered in cuts and bruises, he had not broken a single bone. Flannigan and Riffles were relieved to find their traveling companion still alive, but were greatly disturbed by the homicidal howls and plaintive cries coming from the pass high above them, and by the thunderous rifle reports from the long-barreled jezails wielded by the murderous Ghilzai tribesmen. This was no time to vacillate; clearly, it was time to get the hell back to Hindustan.

Strapping the wounded Dr. Brydon on to a haggard horse they had captured, and shooing the exhausted steed and its battered burden towards Jalalabad, Michael Flannigan and Desmond "Curry" Riffles pressed on through the Khyber Pass, headed towards the relative safety of India. Despite unsubstantiated reports to the contrary, neither man would ever return to Afghanistan.[4]

Next:
Part 3: The Jammu Jaunt

--"Scholarship" by Flyboy

Notes:

1. Burnes was sent to Lahore with a present of horses from King William IV to the Maharaja Ranjit Singh. Riffles’ assignment was to protect the horse convoy, and he really did serve “under" Burnes, disguised as a rather ornate saddle. [back]

2. Remarkably, Flannigan’s famous words are not recorded in the "Copy of William Brydon's Account from Memory, and Memoranda made on Arrival at Jalalabad, of the Retreat from Cabool in 1842”, published as an appendix to Sir George Lawrence’s Reminiscences of Forty-Three Years in India (1874). However, the inventor’s declaration can be found in the unexpurgated original version, maintained in the climate-controlled stacks of the Chesley Institute in Potsdam, New York. [back]

3. Dr. Brydon’s arrival in Jalalabad is immortalized in Lady Elizabeth Butler’s painting “The Remnants of an Army”, now on exhibit in London’s Tate Gallery. In fact, two other officers also survived (Captain Thomas Souter and a fellow named Flushman, or possible Fleshman), and numerous others were taken prisoner. [back]

4. His British protectors gone, Shah Shuja remained in power only a few months before being assassinated in April 1842. Although history records otherwise, some scholars credit Desmond “Curry" Riffles with Shuja’s demise. [back]