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The Inventions of Michael Flannigan





In this gallery:

Brain Holder

Bouncing Security Bubble and Prisoner Recovery Device

Shark Hat for Discerning Gentlemen

Magneto-Electric Genital Clamp



The Brain Holder, 1874Brain Holder (circa. 1874)

Following the untimely death of his sister Molly and the raping of their only goat, Fluffy, Flannigan suffered severe headaches for a brief time. Characterized by stabbing pain behind the eyes, and periods of cranial agony, Flannigan devised a way to remove his brain from his head, and so, temporarily alleviate the pain. After inserting a white-hot poker through the ear, the brain tissue was conveniently contained in a fashionable urn. Luckily, his lack of fine motor control during these migraines prevented him from developing a working prototype, though he did patent the device, which was later adapted and turned into television.

Bouncing Security BubbleBouncing Security Bubble and Prisoner Recovery Device (circa. 1874)

Shortly after the cessation of his migraines, Flannigan vowed that neither he, members of his family, nor his unsuspecting livestock would ever be taken unawares by roaming bands of unclean marauders again. (Or well-groomed marauders, for that matter.) He developed the Bouncing Security Bubble, and then quickly realized that the strange rubbery apparatus would be excellent at not only capturing interlopers, but at recovering escaped prisoners. (Not that there was much need for the latter near North Battleford, Saskatchewan, where he'd moved after his sister's demise.) He renamed it and the Bouncing Security Bubble and Prisoner Recover Device was born. This was another of his unsuccessful patents, as interlopers and escaping prisoners thought the bouncing white bubble was hilarious, not frightening. H owever, it did enjoy some popularity in the 1960s on a Brain Holder "programme".

Shark Hat for Discerning Gentlemen (circa. 1875)

Though many Chesleyan scholars have mistaken the drawings for Flannigan's patent of the "Shark Hat for Discerning Gentlemen" as a Victorian novelty device that we Shark Hatare familiar with as the "umbrella hat", it was actually a fearsome weapon that Flannigan created shortly after getting into a bar brawl. During the melee in question, Flannigan had fallen prey to a viscous head butt from an outlaw named Jeremy "Arsenal Hooligan" Jones. If not for the fact that he'd been wearing his "Brain Bowler" -- and it's metal band absorbing some of the impact -- Flannigan was convinced that the head butt would have killed him. The Shark Hat for Discerning Gentleman was born. Soon after, Flannigan fashioned a curved, razor-sharp blade that he cleverly welded to a hat-attachment. The prototype device was "christened" later that week, when at the same bar, Flannigan confided to Jeremy Jones that Arsenal sucked, while wearing the device. Jones, who was floor-lickingly drunk at the time, unleashed his customary head butt, and was surprised to discover his cranium split open like a ripe melon. (At least, that was the interpretation most had of the stunned look on his face at the funeral.) Though the device proved as lethal as intended, Flannigan was unable to move into the production phase when he was chased out of the area.

Magneto-Electric Genital ClampMagneto-Electric Genital Clamp (circa. 1875)

This bewildering device was created by Flannigan at some point after his arrival in Winnipeg. Little is known about the purpose or uses of this invention, but a clue can be found in the patent papers, which are among the few co-patents ever submitted by Flannigan. The other patent holder is "Mistress" Bea Misläv. But little else is known about Misläv, her occupation, or why Flannigan was sharing patents with her in the first place.



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