The Fecal Banishment Apparatus

The Fecal Banishment Apparatus (circa. 1860)

It is a little known fact for those not schooled in the history of plumbing that Sir Thomas Crapper did not invent the modern toilet. In fact the history of the toilet dates back to ancient times. The Babylonians had water toilets as did the Romans. The invention of the water closet by Alexander Cummings in 1775 was merely a return to a tradition of indoor plumbing after a thousand dark years of European barbarism where cities had been made into cesspools. It took a hundred more years for the WC to gradually make its way into mainstream use with chamber pots, privies, and street gutters remaining the most common receptacles of "night earth" in cities until close to the 20^th century. Thomas Crapper (not even a knight of the realm, actually) was the holder of several patents for toilet-related water valves and drains including the "Silent Valveless Water Waste Preventer". It is theorized that the association of Crapper with the toilet was a result of doughboys of the Great War seeing his name emblazoned on the plumbing fixtures in many WCs.

The latter half of the 19^th century was a time of furious development of new and Thos Crapppers! improved toilet systems. It was during this amazing age of invention that what we would recognize as the modern toilet was born. Almost all of the development during this period involved the application of ever better ways of using water to flush the contents of the toilet while avoiding the dreaded perils of backwash and the occasional dismembering explosion of privy gasses. Michael Flannigan was attracted to any area of feverish invention like a fly to the aforementioned "night earth". It is not surprising then that this prolific and gifted inventor came forth in 1860 with the Flannigan Fecal Banishment Apparatus, also known as the Ablutions Assistant.

Never one to follow the crowd, Flannigan eschewed the popular wisdom of the day and came up with a waterless method of waste removal. While there was some water involved in the process of using the Ablutions Assistant -- in the form of a narrow jet not unlike that used by the French -- the primary engine of waste removal was a cyclonic vacuum. This intense suction was made possible by an earlier Flannigan invention, the sliding plunging air removal thingy. This pump-like device created an incredibly forceful suction that drew everything in the bowl, as well as any loose object for several feet around, into its depths.

the sliding plunging air removal thingy A figure no less than American President Abraham Lincoln attested to the efficacy of the Flannigan device. Lincoln briefly considered the new invention for the White House in 1862. "Tar nation!" exclaimed the chief executive, "Mr. Flannigan's engine could pull the feathers off a goose at twenty paces. For a man standing to relieve himself from a fair distance, this contraption makes it darned near impossible to miss! The lady folk will be most appreciative of that." The cyclonic vacuum action of the Ablutions Assistant was in fact so powerful that warnings were printed on the device that it was, "Unsuitable for use by children, pets, or persons of slight build." Mr. Lincoln, who was prone to having clairvoyant dreams, had a night vision of the device swallowing his son Tadd and decided against employing it in the White House.

The powerful pull of the Ablutions Assistant meant that it was most crucial that the user be standing when the device was activated. If the individual were unlucky enough to be seated when the Ablutions Assistant kicked in, unfortunate results would ensue. Finian Ogilvy, a reporter for the New York Stumper, described such an event in 1863.

"The engine strains beneath the floorboards. The buttocks form a semi-seal on the rim. The cries of the victim are drowned out by a full throated whistling sound, not unlike the whistle of a train, as air desperate to fill the void races through what small crevices of flesh will allow it to pass. The sensation is not entirely unpleasant. I resolved to try it again . . . "

Repeated use, or shall we say abuse, of the Flannigan device in this manner lead to a range of physical deformities from the relatively benign Flannigan Buttock Ring to massive buttock swelling. The condition, known as Gluteus Plus Maximus, was a social embarrassment particularly among women. (For men of the day a fair amount of girth anywhere on the body was considered a sign of prosperity.) Fashion came to the rescue of the many women afflicted with the plus maximus in the form of a new style that effectively hid the effects of the Ablutions Assistant. It was called the bustle.

before and after a "close encounter" with the fba Widespread use of the bustle by ladies of culture had the duel affect of creating a new fashion trend while hiding a potentially embarrassing physical problem. Women who did not suffer from the effects of the Ablutions Assistant merely used additional bunting in the back to simulate an enlarged gluteus.

The Flannigan Fecal Banishment Apparatus, as well as the bustle, continued to be employed until the end of the century. The device fell out of favor, however, when Midas M. Gruntner - congressman, reformer, friend of Teddy Roosevelt, and a man of notoriously slight build - was swallowed by one in 1903. "Damnation!" Thundered Roosevelt. "Now who am I going to go bear huntin' with next May?! I want them outlawed! Along with the iodine ketchup and those rat whisker wieners!"

Thus ends the story of the Fecal Banishment Apparatus. Or does is it? Though devotees and descendants of Michael Flannigan have been unable to prove it, there is growing suspicion that the many of the patented ideas in the Ablutions Assistant have been employed without compensation for decades by the space program.

--"Scholarship" by Thuder