January, 2002
London, Ontario

Canadian Economist In Hunt For Nobel

AP - Stockholm

A little-known Canadian economist is among the most recent list of nominees for the Nobel Prize in economics. Professor M.Y. Bigun of University of Spungee has been cited by the nominating committee for his recently published insights about the real value of labour and work.

In "The Leviathan's Headache", Professor Bigun postulates a inverse relationship between hard work and rewards. While studying conditions in Norwegian brothels during the Nazi Occupation, Bigun discovered that the hardest working prostitutes at the beginning of his time period were less likely to be employed as prostitutes at the end of the occupation than those workers who shirked their responsibilities. In fact the longest-serving employees were those who did just enough to get by, but not so little that their employment was terminated.

The title of Professor Bigun's study is not, as was first supposed, a reference to Thomas Hobbes' famous philosophical treatise, but is taken from a short story, "The Lambat Leviathan", by an obscure Victorian speculative writer Emily Chesty, who lived for a time in Professor Bigun's native Canada. In the story the most productive workers in the fictional town of Lambat are the first to be annihilated by an alien giant.

"This is the dilemma faced by the brothel workers", explains Professor Bigun, "The most productive workers, that is those who serviced the most customers, were the most apt to catch a venereal disease which would preclude them from continuing in their line of work." Peevishly denying imputations about "academics dancing on the head of a pin", Bigun insisted that his work is a "real poke in the eye to those, like my mother, who always insisted that hard work and diligence are the keys to success in life. I mean, heck, for anecdotal confirmation look at any large organization. Are the guys in the highest paid positions the hardest workers? Not a chance."

If he wins the Nobel Prize, Professor Bigun hopes to expand his brothel research, which he admits can be an expensive undertaking. "What's the real value of a quickie versus a mammoth marathon? I hope to discover some anwers to this and other questions."

A vindication of time-servers, Professor Bigun's research is thought to have wide-ranging applications in areas such as sports psychology, education theory, labour negotiations and staffing practices at institutions of higher learning.

Eds. Notes - Obviously the reporter meant "Lambeth" instead of "Lambat". The substitution of "Chesty" for "Chesley" is understandable.

End of extract.

-- "Scholarship" by The Member Formely Known as Panties