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Assassin 8
- a poem by Emily Chesley, circa 1890
Editor’s Note:
Emily Chesley’s poem “Assassin 8” (1)
appears to have been inspired by the life of Desmond “Curry”
Riffles, the British assassin also known as “Silent But Deadly”.
Riffles was a friend of Chesley’s uncle, the
prolific inventor Michael Flannigan, as well as a noted raconteur, gourmand,
oenophile and old India hand. He is credited with removing several thorns
from the British Empire’s side during a lengthy career of creative
carnage, including a malodorous Maharajah, an awkward Akond and, in a
little-known mission to Kashmir, the Seven Deadly Singhs. (2)
It is unlikely that Emily Chesley ever met Desmond
Riffles but scholars consider it probable that she heard her uncle speak
of him, especially during times of prolonged gastrointestinal distress.
This is another poetic masterpiece from the astronomically impressive
Chesleyan oeuvre.
Assassin 8
-by Emily Chesley
I’m Basil “Spicy” Chunder and I’m jolly
proud to say
I serve my King and planet in a surreptitious way
My job’s a trifle nasty, and this poem is rather long
So please bog off unless your stomach’s strong
The HMSS Cutlass is my trusty rocket ship
Some blackguards call her gutless but she goes a mighty clip
She jets me through the quadrant dealing fiends a dreadful fate
I’m the Royal Navy’s pride, Assassin 8
Blow ‘em up! Shoot ‘em down!
I’ve been known to snuff a villain or garrote an evil clown
Even in my silk pajamas and my velvet dressing gown
I’m a deadly secret agent of the Crown
The waterworld of Troutstar is just three light years
away
“Eliminate His Dampness!” was the order of the day
The Utmost Trout used tractor beams to poach the royal quail
So I set out upon his slipp’ry trail
I left behind the standard lethal weapons of my trade
Unnecessary for the cunning plan that I had made
With thread and needle only, and a nimble hand did I
Sew up his gills and hang him out to dry
Hang ‘em high! Bring ‘em low!
On every dirty little mission for the Empire I shall go
Put the tyrants to the sword, and every despot overthrow
To hear that British phrase of praise, “I say, good show!”
The Union Jack (3)
flies proudly underneath the pale blue sun
Of Snebus Prime, where sources told me treason had been done
In order to eradicate this dark, seditious crime
I had to travel quickly back in time
The Cutlass beamed me down just as the traitor’s speech
began
With laser musket ready, to a grassy knoll I ran
I drilled the turncoat’s body with more holes than he could feel
Then left him bleeding like a strainer deal (4)
Flush ‘em out! Bring ‘em in!
I’ll lure the baddies from the Badlands with a tempting show of
skin
Then I’ll send them to their Maker where they’ll pay for all
that sin
While I toddle off for tonic, lime and gin
The closest call I had involved a Royal Family feud
For princely cousin Nigel was insufferably rude
His manners were appalling, and his language was obscene
And then he waved his whatsit at the Queen
The King was quite beside himself, his temper out of check
He gave me clear instructions about breaking Nigel’s neck
I thought about it twice and clapped the boy instead in chains
Then sent him home to grow some ruddy brains
Find ‘em here! Track ‘em there!
I’ve been back and forth and sideways, chasing scoundrels everywhere
Whether poison, flame or fisticuffs, I never once did care
But I’ve tried throughout to demonstrate some flair
Disraeli said assassination never changed the world
He clearly never saw a weighted dagger being hurled
Or heard the final gurgle of a neatly opened throat
I reckon I’ll give someone else my vote
I’m Basil “Spicy” Chunder, a.k.a. Assassin
8
The other seven chaps who worked here earlier are late
And when my own death comes, the pleasure surely won’t be mine
To introduce you to Assassin 9
--"Scholarship" by the Flyboy
Notes:
1) Unpublished, 1890 [back]
2) The complete tale of the “Jammu Jaunt”
remains untold. However, a snippet of oral history records that the heinous
criminal brothers Harpreet, Deepak, Shankar, Nishit, Salman, Vikram and
Harbinger Singh were never seen again after joining a mysterious Englishman
for a meal of “this Indian vegetarian dish that you are really going
to love.” [back]
3) At the time Chesley wrote “Assassin 8”,
the British flag was unofficially known as the “Union Jack”.
The British Parliament officially approved the name "Union Jack"
in 1908. [back]
4) This obscure reference is to one of Michael Flannigan’s
inventions, the "strainer deal". The small kitchen utensil,
made primarily of wire mesh, was designed to separate pulp from the juice
of tasty citrus spheres. Unfortunately, this idea was purloined by J.C.
Walton, who manufactured a cheaply produced knock-off called “The
Sieve” before Flannigan could obtain a patent. The bitter Flannigan
was heard to say on more than one occasion that, if he ever met Walton,
he would “fill him full of holes.” [back]
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