Human societies existed long before the written word, but luckily for us, not before PowerPoint technology. This makes it much easier for anthropologists, historians and people who enjoy humor to understand how humans developed as a species — from a sort of limited ape with no concept of how to style facial hair or take to the high seas and become a pirate, to the fully bearded, eye-patch wearing civilization we are all familiar with today.
Continued from Prehistory 1.1…
But being eaten was not the only worry. It was the major worry (apart from starving to
death), but eventually the weather started to get a bit cooler, and early humans started to think about
other things …
At this point, Homo erectus had finally achieved their goal of a much less amusing species name, and they became two different species, Homo neanderthalensis (or Neanderthals) and Homo sapiens.
The Neanderthals immediately started to improve on Ahk-ahk’s early “thing” technology, coming up with all kinds of intriguing designs, including a tool that “slices, dices and makes julienne mammoth!” Though the Neanderthals have been characterized as squat, hairy and unsophisticated, they greatly improved tool technology with what paleontologists now call the Mousterian Tradition. How such squat and hairy humans came up with the unsophisticated idea of using mice in the
creation of stone tools, we may never know; those paleontologists are a secretive group.
The Neanderthals were out-competed by Homo sapiens, and though their final fate remains a mystery, it appears as though they disappeared about 30,000-25,000 years ago. It has been suggested that Neanderthals did breed with Homo sapiens, the proof of which is the existence of otherwise modern humans with uni-brows.
While the unfortunate and soon-to-be extinct Neanderthals were happy with their mousedriven stone technology, modern humans continued to tinker with things, coming up with greater and more creative inventions. They made fine blades, harpoons, fish hooks, needles, and even created oil lamps. Paleontologists believe modern humans were forced to improve their technology because of the increasingly severe Ice Age. This is only partially true. Certainly, it was getting much colder, but much of the technological innovation was driven by a lack of beard-grooming implements.
This flourishing of culture had unfortunate consequences too, leading the new species to experiment with drugs, find religion and start objectifying women, sometimes all in one go: