Ask General Kang: If I say I’m going to be there, but then I don’t show up, does that make me a ‘douche-bag’?

Yes. Yes, it does. If you say you are going to be there, but then never turn up, then you are a wanker, pure and simple.

You might be able to get away with it once or twice, and claim that you were unable to make it, but sooner or later this late-hare behaviour will catch up with you. You will lose all your friends, and you will die alone.

Or, you could have a really bad addiction!

Extreme alcohol or drug abuse will excuse this kind of lateness, and even better, get you more attention.

If you ARE habitually late, then perhaps you should think about becoming an addict and hiding behind that cover.

Either that, or you should get citizenship in a country where this kind of behaviour is expected (any place other than the UK, the US, Scandanavia, Austria, Germany, Canada, Japan and Australia will work).

Personally, I think you should just do what you say you were going to do.

But what do I know, I’m just an all-knowing simian overlord.

Next time: I think some kind of alien insect has crawled into my head and is causing me to say bad things. Can you help?