That question assumes that I make such foolish promises to myself.

As you are well aware, to be an intergalactic overlord requires a certain self-discipline, an ability to focus the mind and cleave to the task(s) at hand, a certain ruthless approach to interspecies relations and personal hygiene. So, it is entirely within my capabilities to keep to New Year’s resolutions, if I made them.

However, I am an enlightened, higher being, so I have not saddled myself with some lower being’s agenda. (Such as conforming to some kind of ideal body weight, forcing myself into behaving in a socially acceptable way, reducing my intake of rum-laced banana splits, and so on.)

Also, I don’t want to change. For these things to be successful, you really have to want it. (Either that, or have an intergalactic overlord there to be your “coach”.)

I am available for a modest fee, but there is a waiver you must sign first.

Next time: Beer, wine or scotch? What’s the best thing to drink while bombarding an enemy planet with plasma weapons.

Alltop and humor-blogs.com have vowed to make you laugh this year.