London, Ontario (The Skwib) — Global warming is caused by a lack of Vikings. So says the charismatic preacher, Dr. Maximillian Tundra.
He is the leader of a sect of the Pastafarian religion, which posits an omnipotent creator-being called the Flying Spaghetti Monster (FSM), and has deemed Friday a religious holiday.
“Other worshipers of the Flying Spaghetti Monster have claimed that it is a declining number of pirates that have caused the increase in global warming, hurricanes and earthquakes. In truth it is the lack of Vikings that has caused these ills, indeed, most of our problems are because we lack Vikings,” Dr. Tundra, the self-proclaimed Prophet of the Pasta told The Skwib.
And he says he can prove it.
“The false prophet Bobby Henderson has claimed the FSM favours pirates, where clearly it is Vikings that nestle in the noodly heart of our God. In Henderson’s so-called ‘proof’ he shows a decline in the pirate population coinciding with global warming. Recent studies by the British government show piracy is up 168 percent since 1992. But the temperature is still going up!”
Bobby Henderson counters by saying modern pirates are “guys with machine guns, cruising around in power-boats. Real pirates use swords (cutlasses, actually). And the song-downloading ‘pirates’ are smelly nerds, and therefore not real pirates.”
Dr. Tundra says: “that is a tautology. Look, piracy is robbery committed at sea. It’s not about whether they use cutlasses or machine guns. Besides, many of the pirates that Henderson is talking about do say: ‘arrrr!’ Besides, the Lord’s not a Flying Spaghetti Monster, it’s a Flying Linguini Monster.”
The First Church of the Noodly Norsemen (popularly known as the Norse Pastafarians) meet every Friday at Hooters, decked out as Vikings, for worship and “lutefisk” shooters.
Related news: What to do with pirates?
Previous Pasta-riffic Episodes:
An Interview with Dr. Tundra | Original Reutars Story | Dr. Tundra Hits His Peak
I’m converted! I’m not currently in London, but my brother went to UWO, so he should be able to give me directions.
But if I show up dressed like a Viking in Hooters all by myself, I’ll be pissed.
Hmm. Then in that case, I’m pretty sure it has been cancelled this week. 🙂 m.
Umm I’m currntly studying Viking habits for a project and this page kinda creeped me out. Just a bit. and made me hungry
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