Archive | Thag

Thag not wear hair gel!

Thag not wear hair gelIf he were honest, Thag would say that his affair with the nubile Vunga, the half-daughter of the shaman, could not last forever.

Not only was she was at least ten years younger, but eventually the Thunka Grunka clan would demand that he and Onga — his actual mate — start warming sleeping furs together lest the delicate sexual balance of the cave be upset.

He did NOT anticipate that the clan would adopt a knew beau for Vunga, but then again, her half-father, that foreskin with a forehead, Weasel-Scratch-Face-Brother was in a position to smooth the way for a new hunter to join the clan, and he did.

Not that Thag was upset with Fonzag himself. Though he was quite short, he was a competent hunter; the rest of the hunting party got along with him too, though he occasionally worried them with the way he would celebrate a hunting victory, by turning his thumbs upward and issuing his trademark cry: “heyyyyyy!” And apart from this quirk, Fonzag’s only other failing (as far as Thag could tell) was an affectation he had with his hair, which he wore in a strange fashion.

The diminutive Fonzag liked to shave the sides of his head, and he made the remaining hair stick up like the spikes of a porcupine by using some kind of noxious combination of tree resin and animal fat. After a few hours in the sun, it gave off quite the stench, but so far it hadn’t scared off any prey.

On the contrary, it had captured the delectable, if fickle, attentions of Vunga, who had been sharing slappies with Thag because she enjoyed his cave art. But no more, now that she had Fonzag’s bristly locks to capture her attention.

Briefly, Thag thought about styling his hair the same way, but then he noticed the wayward look in Blodja’s eye. It seemed that she too was an “admirer” of cave art.

The fact that she was Weasel-Scratch-Face-Brother’s younger sister had no impact on Thag asking her for a “walk” in the woods to discuss his work. Oh no, none at all.

More details about a prehistoric bog man who liked to slick back his with hair gel. Some of these people also have questionable grooming habits. Originally published January 2006.

Thag do art!

horse cave paintingEver since he’d started making the cave paintings, Thag had noticed that the women in the Thunka Grunka clan had been looking at him differently.

Perhaps it was his position as the leader of the hunting party, but he thought it had more to do with his artwork.

Whatever the case, he was gettin’ some on a regular basis.

Nominally, he was still mated to Onga, but she had all but deserted him for that scrotum-with-eyes shaman, Weasel-Scratch-Face-Brother. In fact, it had been Onga’s desertion, and his ensuing depression, which had spurred Thag into creating more artwork for the cave.

The younger unmated women of the clan seemed to like his deft representations of the animals they hunted, particularly Vunga, the half-daughter of the Shaman.

“It looks so spiritual,” Vunga would say whenever he completed a painting.

“Thag suffer for art,” he confided, looking pained, unsure, filled with angst.

“Oh, poor Thag,” Vunga would say, and then take him by the hand so that they could go for a “walk” in the forest.

On such occasions, Thag could swear he could hear the sound of Weasel’s teeth grinding from his shaman’s perch outside the cave.

“Thag do art for Vunga tomorrow,” he would promise as they walked into the shaded trees, her hips swaying like the boughs in the breeze.

You can discover more about Sex and the single artist here. Other sexy beasts here. Originally published 2005

Thag do meditation!

Cave lions.  The only good thing about was that they didn't hunt in groups.  Usually ...Every morning before they started the hunt, Thag would sit down away from the others, close his eyes, and listen to the wind. It was more than that, but that is what he told the other hunters. Really what he did was sit, and let his mind go blank.

At first it would be filled with thoughts and concerns — mostly about Onga, his mate, and his running feud with that phallus-with-ears shaman, Weasel-Scratch-Face-Brother. He would not concentrate on those thoughts, but let them wash away, and eventually, his mind would loosen, and he could hear the wind distinctly; its whooshes and gusts, its whispers, and then the smells would come to him.

This morning ritual heightened his ability to sense the prey.

In stark contrast to Thag, Gnock had another way of preparing for the hunt. This ritual involved a lot of shouting, and banging the shaft of his wooden spear against his head, numbing himself to pain, and more importantly, fear.

Gnock had been doing this since his brother Grunk had been killed by the wooly rhino.

One morning, Thag came back from his meditation earlier than usual, and told the other hunters: “go higher ground, upwind. Smell cave lions. Many.”

“Many hunting us?” asked Vlog, one of the sharpest hunters.

“Un,” Thag confirmed.

This was bad news indeed. Cave lions did not normally travel in groups, and they would not fear the humans if they had numbers on their side.

“Much goodly!” Gnock, who had stopped bashing his melon long enough to hear this news, said.

“You mammoth gas sniffing?” Vlog asked Gnock.

Gnock just grinned insanely, and said, “hunt us cave lion!” Then he started shouting: “here cave lion. Lion, lion, liiiiiii-on!”

“Gnock be quiet,” Vlog hissed.

Gnock ignored the sensible suggested: “Lion, lion, liiiiiii-on!”

Thag had been meditating, but if anything it made his reaction quicker. He used his own spear to whack Gnock on the back of the head, much harder than Gnock had been doing to himself.

The shouting stopped, but the trouble was just starting. The wind stopped blowing for a moment, and Thag heard something. He told the others: “they come. Climb trees.”

Vlog looked at Gnock and said, “what him?”

Thag looked down sadly at Gnock, and just shook his head. “Not time carry up tree.”

Scientific evidence: Meditation builds up the brain | Gene turnoff makes meek mice fearless. Other head-knockers and skull bangers here. Originally published 2005.

Thag scared at that time of month!

A frightened cavemanThag whistled while he packed for the next trip. He liked to organize short hunting expeditions for a certain week of the month — even if there was little chance of finding game — as it was a good idea to be away from the women-folk of the Thunka Grunka Clan during this specific week.

This made Thag extremely popular amongst the other hunters (that and his steady, sure hunting leadership), but it made him extremely unpopular with the men-folk who were too old or too young to take part in the hunt.

In particular, the shaman, Weasel-Scratch-Face-Brother, did not like this practice. He knew what it was all about. Certain of the women folk tended to be a bit . . . sensitive and critical . . . during this week. Thag’s mate, Onga, was one of the women who seemed more afflicted by this phenomenon. And when Thag was not around to do her bidding, Weasel became the defacto mate. (As he did for many of the women in the clan while their actual mates were away.)

“Ah, Thag, there you are,” Weasel-Scratch-Face-Brother said as he came into Thag and Onga’s section of the cave. “I have some ill news for you.”

“What is that?” Thag said. He did not like the shaman, who was always trying to couple with his mate.

“There are bad omens. I fear you will be unable to go hunting this week.”

Thag thought for a moment. This was a direct challenge to his position as the leader of the hunters. It was not the shaman’s place to tell them when to go hunting, though he was traditionally consulted. On the other hand, if Weasel said there were bad omens, then the more superstitious hunters would not want to leave.

“Thag!” Onga shouted at him from the cave entrance. “Get over here!”

“I’m sorry there bad omens, Weasel-Scratch-Face-Brother, but not your place to force us stay. We take care, but we go,” Thag said. There. Decision made.

A few other women started shouting at their mates. It was beginning. Thag couldn’t figure out why it affected some, while leaving others untouched. It was a mystery.

That almost all the hunters left on the trip with him was not a mystery; bad omens just didn’t compare with a cave full of cranky women.

Modern-era scientific musings that the brain ‘buffer’ may control premenstrual moods. More nervous hunters and ranting gatherers here.

Originally published 2005.

Thag not like mornings!

image of morning sunlight streaming through treesWhen he awoke, his mate Onga was less than a hand away from his face, smiling her most dazzling smile.

Somewhere, out in the forest, birds were chirping; bright light streamed through the canopy, illuminating the mossy forest floor with dappled patterns. Steam rose from the stream nearby.

“It’s morning!” Onga sang.

“Unh.” Thag said.

“Time to get ups sleepy-head!” Onga chirped.

“Mwarghh,” Thag mumbled, and buried his face in his sleeping furs.

“Let’s get this day going,” Onga burbled, her voice dripping with joy and happiness.

“Let me sleep woman,” Thag mumbled. “Had late watch last night.”

“Doesn’t matter, it’s time to get up and go hunt something.”

“Ahhhhh,” Thag groaned. It didn’t help that she was right. If he didn’t get up with the morning sun, he would feel off all day. But did she have to be so chipper about it?

“Grumpy,” Onga said as he sat up. She kissed him on his massive brow ridge, sashaying down towards the stream, where the shaman Weasel-Scratch-Face-Brother was chatting with some other early risers.

Thag caught the meaningful glance between the shaman and Onga, and he groaned, pulling his covers over his head. Some mornings it just didn’t seem worth getting out of the furs.

The rhythm and blues of Monday. More moody bloggers here. Thanks to geinkin for the photo.

Thag not like f#&*ing shaman!

Image of Thag's brain in profileHis mate Onga had finally pushing him too far, and now, Thag was hip-deep in mammoth dung, as they said in the Thunka Grunka clan.

He’d returned from the latest hunting expedition flush with success. His new regime of taking risks — but not crazy risks like trying to kill a cave lion with a deadfall, using yourself as bait, as the demented (and now late) Fungo had tried to do — was working well.

He was becoming much more respected in the tribe and word was even spreading within the clan. This new prestige made it even more difficult to find Onga receiving special “medicine” from the shaman, Weasel-Scratch-Face-Brother on the day of their homecoming.

Ever since the Great Storm, Thag was convinced that Weasel was only out for his own power — and in the case of Onga and the other fertile women of the tribe — pleasure. So, he’d naturally, lost his temper.

He had managed to not actually physically assault the medicine man; but his self-restraint only went so far, and Thag had called Weasel-Scratch-Face-Brother a “festering carbuncle” and used some phrases that in the Thunka Grunka clan were definitely taboo, especially when applied to a holy man.

Thag wished it were only mammoth dung he was hip deep in — as a punishment for his disrespect and “potty mouth”, the elders had told Thag to expand the tribe’s latrine.

It would take a week for his sense of smell to recover, and in the meanwhile, Fungo’s idiot brother, Jungo, was leading the next hunting party. Thag just hoped they all didn’t get killed.

He poked at the earth with his digging stick, dislodging a large stone, which landed in the sewage beneath him, splashing him copiously.

“Great, now Thag covered with shaman,” Thag muttered to himself, and despite the stench, grinned.

Other potty-mouths continue the tradition today.

Here’s the science: Cursing is a human universal.

Originally published in 2005.