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Archive | June, 2007

Ask General Kang: I read yesterday the Pentagon experimented with a ‘gay bomb’ — do you have a favorite non-lethal weapon?

By on June 13, 2007 in Ask General Kang, Monkeys!

Ask General KangSeriously, a ‘gay bomb’? My guess is they got to the testing stage and discovered that making soldiers sexually irresistible to one another actually made them more efficient, vicious killers. Clearly, none of the officers running the project had ever read about Alexander the Great and his “light in the sandals” legion.

On my home planet of Neeknaw, one of my best fighting units was the Balletic Death Brigade. We recruited from the ranks of chimps proficient in the arts of ice dancing and ballet, and boy, they were scary. Especially when you told them the enemy had seen their last routine and given them a “3”.

Generally speaking, I’m not interested in non-lethal weapons, but I suppose they have their uses, particularly for crowd control.

Amplified kazoo music is brutal, and I once knew a bonobo who could drop a room full of Gorilloids-with-Fezes with his atonal rendition of “Don’t Cry for Me Argentina.”

Next time: Is it possible that my car keys have fallen through a wormhole and ended up in a parallel universe, or should I check under the couch?

Professor Quippy: The tingle means it’s killing you

By on June 11, 2007 in Odd Science

Professor QuippyOscar Wilde once said, “Moderation is a fatal thing. Nothing succeeds like excess.”

But he wasn’t talking about Bengay, he was talking about art.

The tragic death of a high school athlete shows us all an exception that proves Wilde’s rule. (I can hear all the logicians cringing out there.) Apparently, she inadvertently killed herself by applying too much anti-inflammatory muscle cream. Or, it might be possible that her body just absorbed an abnormal amount of the active — and in this case, lethal — ingredient, methyl salicylate.

The medical examiner thinks it was the amount she applied, so there’s a lesson for all us in this — if it’s medicine, use it as suggested by the maker.

So put down that tube of EngorgeIt! If it hasn’t worked by now, then a tenth slathering probably won’t either.

Story here: Muscle cream blamed for death of teen runner

Ask General Kang: How many Iraqis do we have to kill before we declare victory over the oil fields of the Middle East?

By on June 7, 2007 in Ask General Kang, Parody & Satire

Ask General KangWell, you’ve had at least one serious go at the Iraqis before and you didn’t claim victory, so it’s doubtful that you’ll be able to do so this time … Unless you’re willing to take bold steps.

I had a similar experience back in the days BEFORE I became an evil galactic overlord, when I still thought of myself as a “freedom fighter”.

Of course, once I actually embraced my creepy (and somewhat musky) iniquity, I finally made some progress; first I wiped out the crack Wiffle-Bat-with-Electrodes Legion of the reigning dictator Blufnark the Batty, and then I took over the Simian Senate through guile, suasion and giving more backrubs to senile orangutans than I care to discuss.

But then I prevailed. And really, I didn’t have to kill that many citizens.

So my advice is go ahead, admit that you’re evil, and really just take over. Besides, Iraq is just one letter different from your own country’s name, so changing the maps afterwards will be easy.

Uh, I’m writing from the US

Oh … well, the map thing WILL be a challenge.

Next time: How often should I change the oil in my broken-down-yet-faster-than-anything-else spaceship? Also, how do you get the smell of Wookie out of suede?

Tip of the hat to Johnny Smoke for today’s provocative question.

Professor Quippy: Enjoy those flat screens while they last

By on June 4, 2007 in Odd Science

Professor QuippyThat beautiful flat screen you’re reading these well-crafted words with is an ephemeral thing.

Not only will it stop working someday, the material needed to create it is much rarer than you think.

According to the New Scientist:

Armin Reller, a materials chemist at the University of Augsburg in Germany, and his colleagues are among the few groups who have been investigating the problem. He estimates that we have, at best, 10 years before we run out of indium. Its impending scarcity could already be reflected in its price: in January 2003 the metal sold for around $60 per kilogram; by August 2006 the price had shot up to over $1000 per kilogram.

So stop poking it with your pen!

Neat-o New Scientist Chart here