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Archive | October, 2010

Mercury Falls re-release

By on October 31, 2010 in But is it art?

Mercury FallsIn case you missed it first time around, which would be a shame, you should check out my blog-buddy Rob Kroese’s Mercury Falls. Amazon.com is re-releasing it through its Books About Angels and Linoleum program.

It’s a fun and crazy story about bureaucratic wrangling amongst angels and demons over how the apocalypse will actually proceed. Or IF it will; the human protagonist and the angel Mercury are against the end of the world, the former because she lives there, and the latter because he’s still not very good at ping pong.

The first time out, Rob and I interviewed one another (as the Mercury Falls release fell about the same time of the release of Marvellous Hairy) about the writing process, novels and monkey-angel parity.

You can find the first part of the conversation at his blog, Matress Police, and the second half here, on The Skwib.

Mercury Falls is available on Kindle now, and you can pre-order the re-release here.

Classics of Literature — Titles Starting With Definite Articles (#1)

By on October 29, 2010 in But is it art?

The Odyssey

The OdysseyThe Odyssey is a story about a homicidal maniac (Odysseus) who refuses to ask for directions. This tragic flaw, shared by many men, leads his crew to disaster. Some are eaten by monsters, some are eaten by their crew-mates, and some finally get fed up with this cruise from hell (literally at one point), and take a flight back to Greece on their own.

Finally, Odysseus returns home, and is shocked, SHOCKED, to discover that after a 20-year absence, his wife is entertaining the possibility of remarrying.

The Hobbit, or There and Back Again

The HobbitThis is another tale of vacations gone awry. Bilbo Baggins is a wealthy hobbit who hires Gandalf Travel to take him on a grand tour of Middle Earth.

But Gandalf plays a little bait-and-switch on Bilbo, and our hero soon discovers that it will not be Gandalf leading the tour, but a cadre of fat, venal and mentally challenged Dwarves. Even worse, he is expected to do most of the work himself. Though he finds the experience trying, Bilbo discovers hidden reserves of talent, bravery and pluck.

Everything goes well until Bilbo inadvertently starts a race war.

The Stranger

the strangerI read this originally in French class, sometime during my storied high school career. Most of this famous existential work was read aloud in class, by a collection of students with a wide variety of accents and grasp of the French language. If I remember correctly, Lorne’s delivery was hilarious, but that might have been because he was pretending he was Soupy the Clown.

Despite the fact that I was doing poorly in this class, I was secretly in love with my French teacher. (A fact I only now reveal for comic effect, but back then I would have been mortified if the world had known.)

The novel is about the farcical nature of French justice, and the benefits of not washing.

Alltop thinks washing is pointless too.

Winner of the Canada Reads t-shirt pimping prize

By on October 27, 2010 in But is it art?, Monkeys!

blue t-shirt showing rules of MopironinzeeAs an incentive to get people to nominate Marvellous Hairy for Canada Reads this year, I promised to hold a draw for a t-shirt from all the people who helped out.

I strongly suspect that people nominated the novel because either they liked it, or they like me, or they think that I will, at some future date, help them in a similar manner. (I will.) However, I’m still giving away the t-shirt. And it’s going to Ian Ferguson.

Ian, as it turns out, is somewhat a known quantity on the Canadian literary/theatrical scene. At this point, I should state that the draw for the extremely excellent t-shirt (shown above) was entirely random. That said, I hope to see stories about people playing monkey-pirate-robot-ninja-zombie in Victoria very soon. (This game is known amongst the hip kids as “mopironinzee”.)

So congrats to Ian, and for the rest of you who helped out — you know who you are — the offer of a coupon for $2 off Marvellous Hairy or a crudely drawn picture of a Canadian celebrity as a monkey stands. Just let me know your preference via Twitter, email or Facebook.

Canada Reads announces its long list tomorrow.

Ask General Kang: How should I pick an eyebrow shape?

By on October 26, 2010 in Ask General Kang

Ask General KangGenerally speaking, there is an eyebrow shape that works with every type of face. If you are an über-chimp with a large cranial ridge, for example, then a properly shaped eyebrow can make or break your face. (I’m speaking metaphorically, of course. Everyone knows that über-chimps have especially thick carapace-like skulls, and a prominent cranial ridge makes that their faces virtually unbreakable.)

You’ll probably want to go with a sharp edged brow that accentuates your beautiful and sexy bone head.

If you are some kind lesser monkey, and don’t have delightfully heavy skull topography, you’ll need to do something to attract those other simple simians. I suggest a nice arched eyebrow, preferably drawn in with some kind of thick and sticky black wax. (This will work even if you’re one of those freakish white apes we’ve been hearing about all season.)

Keep a close eye that no stray hairs ruin the lovely effect you’re going for with your eyebrows. I would recommend obsessive tweaking and pulling of hairs (it’s best if you can rip the follicle root right out at the same time, but sometimes a simple trim will have to do.) Tweezers are effective, as is fire. Avoid wax at all costs! It will rip out all your facial hair, not just the long greasy eyebrow hairs you are trying to shape.

If you have recently evolved and don’t have the manual dexterity to apply fire or steel, I recommend visiting an accredited beautician. (All of them on my home planet of Neecknaw used state-of-the art plasma torches for their brow work.)

What if I’m a human?

Oh, then you’re so hideous I can hardly see the point. Still, there might be some principles in there to try:

  • work with your face shape
  • apply lots of thick waxy black paint
  • and don’t forget the plasma torching!

Next time: What should I do if I’m trapped in a hyperbolic chamber with a trumpet player?

Alltop thinks you have lovely eyelashes.