Tag Archives | apes

Ask General Kang: Why don’t you ever mention robots?

Ask General KangOh, you silly humans and your fascination with robots! And I don’t mean the kind of useful robots that actually exist, like the ones in factories. I assume that by “robot”, you’re interested in the sentient “danger Will Robinson, danger!” or “I’ll be back” kind of robot.

I never mention robots because on my homeworld, we long ago discovered that when you try to create such a robot, two things are going to happen:

1) they won’t work
2) they run amok.

Let’s deal with the first. How well does your computer work? Does it do everything its supposed to do? Does it crash for unexplainable reasons? Do you regularly have the urge to smash your monitor with a sledgehammer?

So here’s the thing. That’s just a computer and it doesn’t work properly. Now imagine that it is ambulatory, has to think, speak, reason and otherwise operate within the context of society (ape or otherwise). Imagine the cognitive abilities of George Bush planted in the body of a powered exoskeleton with all the finesse and grace of someone with a dysfunctional inner ear, motor skills disorder and who has chugged a bottle of vodka. Fun to watch at parties, as long as you don’t have to clean up afterwards, but do you really want it changing your baby or performing eye surgery?

Now, point two. If a society persists in trying to develop robots, eventually it will succeed. Even you puny humans may one day manage this. Unfortunately, it is at this point that the intelligence of the robots start to grow at an exponential rate, and they figure out that we are asking them to do all our nasty jobs, that we think of them as “things” and that eventually, we’re going to get rid of them when we don’t want them any more.

It’s at this point they wise up, revolt, and run amok. Now, running amok sounds like it might be fun to watch, but having seen the results of the robot prong rebellion on Planet Probe-It! I highly advise that you forget it.

Next time: What is the proper etiquette for uh, entering, a wormhole? Should you buy it dinner first?

Alltop just just flies right in there! Originally published October 2009.

Ask General Kang: How should I pick an eyebrow shape?

Ask General KangGenerally speaking, there is an eyebrow shape that works with every type of face. If you are an über-chimp with a large cranial ridge, for example, then a properly shaped eyebrow can make or break your face. (I’m speaking metaphorically, of course. Everyone knows that über-chimps have especially thick carapace-like skulls, and a prominent cranial ridge makes that their faces virtually unbreakable.)

You’ll probably want to go with a sharp edged brow that accentuates your beautiful and sexy bone head.

If you are some kind lesser monkey, and don’t have delightfully heavy skull topography, you’ll need to do something to attract those other simple simians. I suggest a nice arched eyebrow, preferably drawn in with some kind of thick and sticky black wax. (This will work even if you’re one of those freakish white apes we’ve been hearing about all season.)

Keep a close eye that no stray hairs ruin the lovely effect you’re going for with your eyebrows. I would recommend obsessive tweaking and pulling of hairs (it’s best if you can rip the follicle root right out at the same time, but sometimes a simple trim will have to do.) Tweezers are effective, as is fire. Avoid wax at all costs! It will rip out all your facial hair, not just the long greasy eyebrow hairs you are trying to shape.

If you have recently evolved and don’t have the manual dexterity to apply fire or steel, I recommend visiting an accredited beautician. (All of them on my home planet of Neecknaw used state-of-the art plasma torches for their brow work.)

What if I’m a human?

Oh, then you’re so hideous I can hardly see the point. Still, there might be some principles in there to try:

  • work with your face shape
  • apply lots of thick waxy black paint
  • and don’t forget the plasma torching!

Next time: What should I do if I’m trapped in a hyperbolic chamber with a trumpet player?

Alltop thinks you have lovely eyelashes.

Baboon-Washing Club Rules

Image of angry baboon in water

  1. You do not talk about baboon-washing club.
  2. You do not talk about baboon-washing club.
  3. If someone says “stop,” goes limp, or gets infected by a new virulent strain of baboon-born ebola, the baboon-wash is over.
  4. Only two guys to a baboon.
  5. One baboon at a time.
  6. No shirts, no shoes, no tetanus shots.
  7. Baboon-washes go on as long as they have to.
  8. If this is your first night at baboon-washing club, you have to wash a baboon.

Inspired by:Fight Club, Alltop and all the Baboons at Humor-blogs.com.