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Schism opens way for creation of SinoPope

By on April 7, 2010 in Parody & Satire, Skwibby fiction

RoboPopeVATICAN CITY (The Skwib) — In the ecclesiastically chaotic schism between the Pope at the Vatican and the RoboPope at Avignon, the warring Popes have been able to agree on one thing: there is no room for a SinoPope.

Both the Vatican and Avignon Holy Fathers have excommunicated two bishops ordained by China’s state-controlled church without papal consent.

The state-conrolled quasi-religious Communist-Catholoic church — the Chinese Patriotic Catholic Association — announced that it was splitting from both Vatican- and Avignon-based Holy Fathers, was constructing its own android Pontiff to lead the Chinese “Catholics”.

A press release stated that the so-called SinoPope, would be superior in design to RoboPope, and that its organic components would include brain tissue cultured from the Chairman (Mao Zedong), thus ensuring its political purity and popularity with the Chinese people. (According to the Chinese schematics for their robotic religious leader, other organic parts must be replaced frequently, and thus will come from tissues harvested from recently executed “criminals”.)

Chinese officials have said they expect the SinoPope will be 70 percent infallible, and that the 30 percent fallibility is an acceptable loss.

RoboPope told The Skwib in telephone interview that “SinoPope can kiss my shiny metal ass.”

The Vatican did not return our phone calls.

RoboPope saga:
RoboSchism | Avignon releases Robopope schematics | No room for SinoPope

Alltop is HumorPope! Originally published November, 2007.

Batman Lashes Out at the Other Members of the Justice League of America After Spending the Weekend at the Jack Nicholson Film Festival

By on November 7, 2007 in But is it art?, Parody & Satire

Batman loses itby Mark A. Rayner

You know, I’m getting a little tired of all the snide remarks about the way I fight crime.

We live in a world that has villains, and those villains have to be defeated by men with Batarangs. Or superpowers, if you’ve got them. (Yeah, and females too, don’t get your star-spangled knickers in a knot, Wonder Women.) I have a greater responsibility than you could possibly fathom. You weep for the psychotic killer that I sent to the hospital last night, and you curse my “methods”. You have that luxury.

Green Lantern, you can always capture crooks with that weird glowing shit from your alien ring. And you Wonder Woman, I wonder if that golden truth-telling lasso is as innocuous as it looks? You have easy options.

You know that when I beat that punk to within an inch of his life, while tragic for him, I saved lives. And my existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, saves lives. I find it particularly ironic that you, Martian Manhunter find me grotesque, but you do, don’t you, you green uni-browed freak!

I’ll grant my methods are extreme, but they work. You people with your superpowers don’t dare admit it. You don’t want the truth because deep down in places you don’t talk about at parties, you want me cruising the streets of Gotham in my Batmobile, you need me in my Batmobile! Who else is going to clean up that bat-hole?

I use words like discipline and detective work and a lot of made-up words starting with “Bat”. I use these words as the backbone of a life spent intimidating the criminal classes. You use them as a punchline. I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to you, who succeed because of the detective work that I provide, and then question the manner in which I provide it. I would rather you just said thank you, and went on your way. Otherwise, I suggest you pick up a Batarang and solve a few crimes without your superpowers.

Either way, I don’t give a damn what you think is “excessive” or “brutal” or “verging on insane”. Continue Reading →

Loopy Laws

By on November 6, 2007 in Monkeys!

The Beeb has a fun article about the silliest laws on the books. I found both the list for the UK and the “foreign” list quite funny, and educational. For example, I will never again be “caught short” in Scotland, knowing that all I have to do is knock on someone’s door, and he is legally required to let me use the facilities. And if he doesn’t, well, I can murder him without fear of an uncomfortable stay in Her Majesty’s Royal Prison. (Provided I can get him to York, and get him to carry a bow and arrow.)

And if you’re thinking about taking a trip to Milan, strap your smile on. Of course, I’m more worried about the people living there. My guess is they’re ready to snap by now. They probably have to kill or maim someone every once in a while, just so they can go to the funeral or visit them in the hospital.

The Ministry of Silly Laws

  1. It is illegal to die in the Houses of Parliament
  2. It is an act of treason to place a postage stamp bearing the British king or queen’s image upside-down
  3. It is illegal for a woman to be topless in Liverpool except as a clerk in a tropical fish store
  4. Eating mince pies on Christmas Day is banned
  5. If someone knocks on your door in Scotland and requires the use of your toilet, you are required to let them enter
  6. In the UK a pregnant woman can legally relieve herself anywhere she wants, including in a pliiceman’s helmet
  7. The head of any dead whale found on the British coast automatically becomes the property of the King, and the tail of the Queen
  8. It is illegal not to tell the tax man anything you do not want him to know, but legal not to tell him information you do not mind him knowing
  9. It is illegal to enter the Houses of Parliament wearing a suit of armor
  10. It is legal to murder a Scotsman within the ancient city walls of York, but only if he is carrying a bow and arrow

When in Rome

  1. In Ohio, it is illegal to get a fish drunk
  2. In Indonesia, the penalty for masturbation is decapitation
  3. A male doctor in Bahrain can only examine the genitals of a woman in the reflection of a mirror
  4. In Switzerland, a man may not relieve himself standing up after 10pm
  5. It is illegal to be blindfolded while driving a vehicle in Alabama
  6. In Florida, unmarried women who parachute on a Sunday could be jailed
  7. Women in Vermont must obtain written permission from their husbands to wear false teeth
  8. In Milan, it is a legal requirement to smile at all times, except during funerals or hospital visits
  9. There is no age of consent in Japan
  10. In France, it is illegal to name a pig Napoleon

BBC article about the most ludicrous laws.