In our continuing efforts to suggest more exciting and exploitative Winter Olympic Sports, we want to tackle ice dance next.
Sure, there can be moments of pure artistic bliss in the current Ice Dance competition, but it has been marred with controversy in the past. At the Salt Lake games, the French judge was bribed (either with sex, or money, or both, we don’t remember), and what is that Russian judge up to? No good, that’s for sure.
Besides the method of judging (it is one of the few sports that has an artistic component), Ice Dance doesn’t really meet the requirements of higher, or faster, of our new motto, and it definitely isn’t bloodier. So how could we spice up this choreographed ice-skating ballet of duos?
Let’s change the format to elimination, and have the couples face off in the rink. Two couples enter, one couple leaves! Two couples enter, one couple leaves! It’s the sub-zero Thunderdome!
Now, we know that some of you would like to see this played out with weapons, but we’re purists, and believe the only weapons allowed should be their hands, elbows, heads, knees and feet. And of course the feet are attached to razor-sharp ice-skates, so we will definitely be able to fulfill the sanguius component of our new motto.
The only problem is getting a zamboni powerful enough to clean up the ice between bouts.
Next: Polar Biathlon
Previous: Short-Track Chainsaw Speed Skating, Four-man Bobsled Jumping, Ultra-G
Any wimp can land a 120-metre jump on skis. Now, landing a bobsled filled with three other horrified Olympic athletes, that takes real skill. In fact, we bet that very few athletes could manage it. For added thrills, the bobsled jumpers could hold up their arms as they’re airborn, just like a roller-coaster! And just thing of the cross-promotional activities with amusement parks. Blue sky by 
Much more dangerous than Super-G, Ultra-G combines the mind-bending speed of a flat-out downhill run with a circle of ice that looks like a gigantic Hot Wheels loop at the end of the slope. The winner of this event will probably be a qualified fighter-jet pilot or astronaut. Losers will be immortalized by a generation of traumatized television viewers.