Tag Archives | flesh-rending CEOs

Bringing Good Things to Life

bringing good things to lifeNeil was a tiny and polite human employed by the General Entropy division of NaziWorks 3000 (The Caring Company), where he was an accomplished lamp.

For the most part, he was just happy not to be eaten by the large CEOs that roamed most of his planet, but his current supervisor had found him a choice placement.

Tina was the daughter of a mid-to-large Hyper-Clone outfitted with the devastating Clone 12000, and COO of a Regional Infection division within NaziWorks. Her father’s frequent explosive diarrhea kept her hopping, cleaning up the house, but when he powered down for the evening, she would read under her favourite lamp.

Neil especially liked that she always undid the first three buttons of her blouse first.

Alltop likes lamp. Originally published in 2007.

From Toulouse Le Grandfig in the Land of the Future.

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The New Clone 12000 Helmet Finally Comes to Market

Clone HelmetThis fully functional metro-wanker-clone helmet will render your enemies helpless with laughter, right before you incinerate their lower intestines. Two Gigilo-Hertz-powered ocular particle beams makes the Clone 12000 more devastating than last month’s supernova in the Coagula System and only half as radioactive!

Decranialization is still a necessary feature of the Clone 12000, but Hyper-Clones will be happy to know that nearly half of the test group survived helmet implantation.

Other documented side effects include: Dry mouth (but not for long), urinary retention, blurred vision (while particle beams are operating), constipation, weight gain, crushing headaches, nausea, frequent explosive diarrhea, abdominal pain, inability to achieve an erection, inability to achieve an orgasm (male and female hyper-clones), loss of libido, agitation, anxiety, self-loathing, and some cyborgism.

Alltop also cause side effects. Originally published in 2007.

From Toulouse Le Grandfig in the Land of the Future.

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Survival Tips for Tiny and Polite Humans

Survival Tips for Tiny and Polite Humans

If you happen to live on one of the many planets inhabited by CEOs, you may find yourself wondering: “how do I not get eaten?”

You may also wonder if there is sunblock powerful enough to prevent dermal incineration when lanced by particle beams. (There isn’t.)

However, have you considered living underground? All you need is a pipe for air, a small amount of water, and vitamin supplements to augment your diet of worms and other burrowing creatures.

Of course, you will also need enough time to dig a hole — these inhabitants of Neebie-neebie waited until a large pack of CEOs descended on a nearby city, enslaving and devouring the hapless and (dare we say) ill-prepared tiny and polite humans. While this carnage was underway, they had lots of time to build their holes, and even a few tunnels between them, so they might breed more tiny and polite humans.

Ah, the circle of life!

Alltop enjoys their human cooked funny. From Toulouse Le Grandfig in the Land of the Future | photo by Duesentrieb. Originally published November 2007.