Tag Archives | Forty-seven signs

Forty-seven Signs of the Apocalypse (#34)

By Mark A. Rayner on July 29, 2010 in Forty-seven signs, Parody & Satire

From the Book of Jerry

postmark And yea, it shall be a time of great lamentation and strangeness.

The fish of the seas shall drink of the bones of the past, and the birds of the sky shall be coated in its blackness, and the race of Adam shall be helpless before its wrath.

But in this era of evil a man shall send another man a Parcel. And it shall contain a book of fiction, and filled with lies and tales of great wantonness and evil. And they shall both make use of the Mail. And the Parcel will arrive many days before the Pharisees of the Postal Service said it would arrive.

And they will tremble, and fear, for they shall see it as A Sign of the End.

Alltop always uses the Pharisees of The Brown. Newsy proof: I can attest to this one. Quite a few review copies of Marvellous Hairy have arrived well before what the US and Canadian postal services have promised! (And of course, the first paragraph is clearly about the Gulf oil spill.) Postmark photo by stvcr.

Forty-seven Signs of the Apocalypse (#35)

By Mark A. Rayner on July 21, 2010 in Forty-seven signs

From the Book of Cephalopods

Yeah, I speak to you about the evil times to come, and the truth shall be written in the ink of the cephalopods, and many shall wail and weep at its truth.

Lo! In this time there shall be a Contest of the Foot, throughout the lands both Holy and Heathen, and they shall worship of the Ball of the Foot. And in their wickedness, there shall be wagering, and taking of the odds, and many shekels will pass back over the hands of the Usurers, who worship the an unholy book.

And verily, it shall come to pass that in the Barbarian lands of Germania, there shall be a cephalopod of Great Power. And he shall be an mollusk of Eight Arms, and the Devil shall give it Knowledge of the Contest of the Foot, and shall predict, with great Divination. And his name shall be Paul.

Truly, this Octopus named Paul shall Divine the Contest of Foot — and it shall be a Sign! And many will Worship of the Octopus named Paul. And they shall be wicked. And others, in their wantonness, shall wish to consume of its flesh, and it will be bad.

But they all will be Suckers.

Alltop bet against wantonness and paid the price. Newsy proof: Wikipedia entry for Paul the Octopus. Suckers by Pashazade.

Forty-seven signs of the apocalypse (#38)

By Mark A. Rayner on July 13, 2010 in Forty-seven signs

From the Book of Libations

Bacon-flavoured vodka -- a chocolate bakon martini! Lo! The time shall come and the people shall not concern themselves with the Law. And in this dark time, the people shall crave the flesh of the pig, and many will not care that it is Forbidden.

Verily, many shall be law abiding, but still ingest the unclean creature in a form most alluring. And this Savory Succubus shall take hold of the people, and there will be frying, and the power of the sky will be applied to these strips of meat, and the people will rejoice in the salty evil.

And they shall be called the Days of Bacon.

The Rashers of Lucifer will garnish all kinds of wholesome foods, and make them unclean with their cholesterol and deliciousness.

Hark! The people shall revel in their porcine pleasures, and they shall not be sated by the strips themselves, and they shall Cry for More Bacon. And they shall crave bacon with all. And the Anti-Christ will grin, and say unto the people, “I shall give you bacon in your hooch.”

And there shall be great rejoicing as the people debase themselves with Chocolate Bacon Martinis, and Bacon Rosemary Martinis, and something called an Irish Boar. And they shall wail with pleasure, especially when they taste the Bacon Bloody Mary, as the next seal is broken and the sky turns all stripy and sizzly, and let’s face it, mouth-watering.

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