Tag Archives | general kang

Ask General Kang: Why don’t you ever mention robots?

Ask General KangOh, you silly humans and your fascination with robots! And I don’t mean the kind of useful robots that actually exist, like the ones in factories. I assume that by “robot”, you’re interested in the sentient “danger Will Robinson, danger!” or “I’ll be back” kind of robot.

I never mention robots because on my homeworld, we long ago discovered that when you try to create such a robot, two things are going to happen:

1) they won’t work
2) they run amok.

Let’s deal with the first. How well does your computer work? Does it do everything its supposed to do? Does it crash for unexplainable reasons? Do you regularly have the urge to smash your monitor with a sledgehammer?

So here’s the thing. That’s just a computer and it doesn’t work properly. Now imagine that it is ambulatory, has to think, speak, reason and otherwise operate within the context of society (ape or otherwise). Imagine the cognitive abilities of George Bush planted in the body of a powered exoskeleton with all the finesse and grace of someone with a dysfunctional inner ear, motor skills disorder and who has chugged a bottle of vodka. Fun to watch at parties, as long as you don’t have to clean up afterwards, but do you really want it changing your baby or performing eye surgery?

Now, point two. If a society persists in trying to develop robots, eventually it will succeed. Even you puny humans may one day manage this. Unfortunately, it is at this point that the intelligence of the robots start to grow at an exponential rate, and they figure out that we are asking them to do all our nasty jobs, that we think of them as “things” and that eventually, we’re going to get rid of them when we don’t want them any more.

It’s at this point they wise up, revolt, and run amok. Now, running amok sounds like it might be fun to watch, but having seen the results of the robot prong rebellion on Planet Probe-It! I highly advise that you forget it.

Next time: What is the proper etiquette for uh, entering, a wormhole? Should you buy it dinner first?

Alltop just just flies right in there! Originally published October 2009.

0

Ask General Kang: Will you vote in the Canadian federal election today?

Ask General KangI find this democratic process of yours quaint and charming, so yes, I’ll be voting. It’s hard to believe I’ve been on this magnificent blue ball (which you are ruining by the way) long enough to receive citizenship, but I have.

Funnily enough, I started out in politics.

My own home planet, Neecknaw, once had a system of government similar to the “representative” democracies of your Earth nations. So before I became an overlord, I was elected Prime Primate.

Now, winning an election is not an easy thing to do (unless you’re Jean Chretien), but I managed through a combination of inspiring oratory, good organization, and the secretions of the Pfluugen Slug from Planet Muguulgar. (This colorless and odorless liquid is quite powerful, and renders imbibers of it very suggestible. Okay, it makes them your willing slaves, but only if you know how much to use and what to say afterward.)

Oh, I can see what you are thinking: how could he possible give that every voter? I didn’t have to. I only had to slip a little bit in to reporters’ drinks at the Press Club. Now clearly, this subterfuge would never work here in Canada, in this post-journalism era. I suspect that even if I drugged the pollsters and forced them to reveal I was far ahead, that would not work.

If find your Canadian electorates’ ability to do its own thing quite disturbing. (Not as disturbing as Stephen Harper finds it, I’m sure, but still.)

But don’t worry, eventually I’ll get a new armada and a few brigades of uber-chimps armed with slide whistles and plasma rifles, and then I’ll sort it all out!

Next time: I’m building a Moon of Destruction, and I’m working out some of the details. How small do the exhaust ports have to be to prevent teenagers from blowing it up with a single plasma bolt?

Alltop is outraged that Mark just stole that joke from Robot Chicken.

0

Ask General Kang: Total strangers keep offering me a “free hug”. What should I do?

Ask General KangClearly, you’re uncomfortable with the idea of a “free hug”, or you wouldn’t be asking about it. There is a powerful element of society who would force this “free hug” upon you, using nothing more than persuasion and good looks.

What, exactly, are they up to?

My theory is they’re trying to undermine basic primate behaviour. Hugs are an intimate form of communication that release either good chemicals or bad, depending on the huger and the huggee. Back on Planet Neecknaw, instead of hugs we have grooming — checking our close friends and family for fleas and other fur foibles. (Of course, we rarely find them now that we’ve relaxed our harsh Anti-Bathing Laws, instituted in the Stinky Ages.) Now, would I let a total stranger grope through my luxuriant back hair on the street? I think not. That would generate some bad chemicals — the kind that make Kang angry!

Perhaps these “free huggers” are trying to extend the warm blanket of close friends and family to everyone. If everyone becomes a friend, this would make warfare rather difficult to pursue. As a former interstellar warlord, I cannot condone this subversive movement.

The best solution: if you want the hug, I’d insert the crass note of commerce to it, and give them some money.

Next time: I’ve been doing some thought experiments, but I think there may some flaws in my equipment. What do it do?

Alltop would willingly PAY for a free hug. It’s that weird. Originally published in January, 2007.

1

Ask General Kang: I think my boyfriend is cheating on me. How do I know for sure?

ask general kangI don’t want to seem insensitive, but if you think he is, then he probably is. Human females seem to have a pretty good nose for these things.

However, let’s assume for a moment that you’re out of touch with your intuition, to the extent that you have to consult a simian overlord from another galaxy on whether he’s cheating or not.

One way you can be sure is to introduce him to the Trofmaldian Eye Slug. It really should be called a brain slug, because that’s where it does all its best work. What you need to do, is to drop the slug very close to his eye. The slug will do rest. It will crawl along his optic nerve to his brain, and wrap itself around his brain and allow you to determine if he’s telling you the truth or not.

Now this is important. While the slug is working its way into his brain (your boyfriend may scream a bit while this is happening) make sure that he’s looking at you. This way the brain slug will imprint on you, and allow you to (in addition to wringing the truth from him) control his every movement.

Once that little Trofmaldian nipper takes up residence in your beau’s brain, you should have your answer.

Oh, you should know that it will proceed to shut down his higher mental functions after a couple of months or so, and thereafter he’ll be a mindless zombie, doing whatever you say.

The perfect boyfriend!

Next time: Is it me or are you kind of creepy?

Alltop would never give humor to another audience member. Honest. Originally published in 2005. Seriously, this blog has been around that long.