Ask General Kang: Will you vote in the Canadian federal election today?

I find this democratic process of yours quaint and charming, so yes, I’ll be voting. It’s hard to believe I’ve been on this magnificent blue ball (which you are ruining by the way) long enough to receive citizenship, but I have.

Funnily enough, I started out in politics.

My own home planet, Neecknaw, once had a system of government similar to the “representative” democracies of your Earth nations. So before I became an overlord, I was elected Prime Primate.

Now, winning an election is not an easy thing to do (unless you’re Jean Chretien), but I managed through a combination of inspiring oratory, good organization, and the secretions of the Pfluugen Slug from Planet Muguulgar. (This colorless and odorless liquid is quite powerful, and renders imbibers of it very suggestible. Okay, it makes them your willing slaves, but only if you know how much to use and what to say afterward.)

Oh, I can see what you are thinking: how could he possible give that every voter? I didn’t have to. I only had to slip a little bit in to reporters’ drinks at the Press Club. Now clearly, this subterfuge would never work here in Canada, in this post-journalism era. I suspect that even if I drugged the pollsters and forced them to reveal I was far ahead, that would not work.

If find your Canadian electorates’ ability to do its own thing quite disturbing. (Not as disturbing as Stephen Harper finds it, I’m sure, but still.)

But don’t worry, eventually I’ll get a new armada and a few brigades of uber-chimps armed with slide whistles and plasma rifles, and then I’ll sort it all out!

Next time: I’m building a Moon of Destruction, and I’m working out some of the details. How small do the exhaust ports have to be to prevent teenagers from blowing it up with a single plasma bolt?

Alltop is outraged that Mark just stole that joke from Robot Chicken.