Tag Archives | loonies

Dynastic Ambitions

Victorian couple -- gent in diving suitReginald Tweedsmuire had invented the tongue depressor, tongue scraper and uvula tickler (better known as the Roman Weight Management Apparatus), and he was said to be in line for a Knighthood for his Force 10 Mustache Wax (capable of keeping even the most impressive mustachios stiff and manly in high winds, and much-beloved by Prince Albert). As such, the family was actually quite wealthy, and able to afford the best finishing schools for their only daughter.

During her early years, Eucretia had demonstrated an aptitude for the visual arts, and was a celebrated painter, a somewhat scandalous occupation for a young woman in Victorian England. But her diction was perfect, her manners impeccable, and she was an expert doily appraiser, a much more respectable activity for genteel women of the time.

Sir Reginald, as he would soon be known, moved a lot of mustache wax and goose feathers. The Tweedsmuires, in other words, were rolling in it.

This is why Lord Dullsmather Braincringe had asked for Eucretia’s hand in marriage. For the money. Nearly Sir Reginald was thrilled of course. In addition to his extensive uvular and mustache wax fortune, he had vast ambition, and a noble marriage would help elevate the Tweedsmuire name above mere industrial middling class. Someday, he might have a grandson ensconced on his flabby ass in the House of Lords.

That is, if Eucretia could ever entice Braincringe to take off the Browning Suit long enough for congress to occur.

Apparently, Alltop cannot be enticed to put The Skwib higher on its feed. Strangely compelling image via Twisted Vintage.