LONDON, ONTARIO (The Skwib) — After a courageous five weeks, Terry Bakker has abandoned his New Year’s Resolution to watch The Hunt for Red October every time it comes on TV.
“I had no idea how often TBS, Spike and American Movie Classics play this God-damned movie,” an enraged Bakker told The Skwib.
“I hate quitting anything, but I just can’t take it anymore. I’ve had to watch it 105 times. That averages to more than three times a day. On Saturday I had to watch it five times. I didn’t get any fucking sleep! Do you have any idea it takes to watch a two-hour movie on TBS after midnight? Four-and-three-quarter hours!”
Bakker made the resolution at a New Year’s Eve party after doing six rounds of Jägermeister shots, and declaring to everyone gathered that The Hunt for Red October was a “freakin’ cinematic masterpiece.”
Party host and designated driver Patrick Whalen asked if Bakker would care to back that up with a New Year’s Resolution and an accompanying bet.
“I honestly didn’t think Terry was that drunk. Or that he’d do it,” Whalen said. “So, he’s definitely lost the bet. Not that I’m going to hold him to it.”
If he didn’t succeed in watching the 1990 film starring Sean Connery and Alec Baldwin, Bakker promised to shave his head with a cheese-grater and a pair of toenail clippers.
Based on a Tom Clancy novel, the story follows Jack Ryan (Baldwin) as he tries to help Captain Marko Ramius (Connery) defect with the Soviet Union’s newest ballistic missile submarine, the Red October, which has a silent propulsion system that uses caterpillars in some way.
“I’d much rather shave my head than listen to Sean Connery masticate another syllable. The scars will heal. I mean, he’s supposed to be Lithuanian, so what’s with the accent? I know he only has the one accent, but God! And what the fuck is going on with the rest of the Russian crew? Some of them sound like Mr. Chekov from Star Trek: ‘Captain, we are on a nucwear wessel,’ and some of them sound like winners of the British Upper Class Twit of the Year Contest. And don’t get me started on Connery’s eyebrows. Those things just freak me out.”
The makers of the infamous digestif, Mast-Jägermeister AG, declined to comment.
The good news: Research at Cambridge University shows that those New Year’s resolutions to drink less, eat better, exercise more and stop smoking could add up to 14 years to your life.