Professor Albedo-9000 Frink (the Third) was justifiably proud of his invention. It had taken him nearly 300 years of his genetically enhanced life to construct the Frink Dojigger 12. (Experimental models 1-11 proved un-viable.)
Using only the finest Moussorgsky rodent filaments and all the heavy element Poutinium available in the Liquid Fermentation Galaxy, he had constructed the first Pan-Dimensional TeleKinetic Operating System known to man.
It wasn’t perfect yet, by any means. The Moussorgsky rodent filaments only worked when fed a steady diet of Hermelin cheese and light Russian opera. And the Poutinium was playing hell with the customized Evacuation Module he’d purchased from Googlishus Industries.
And of course, he had no idea what the Frink Dojigger did yet, but he was pretty certain the twelfth model the wouldn’t de-molecularize its operator.
Pretty sure. He still thought it prudent to get his latest grad student, Chad, to try it out first.
The good news: Research at Cambridge University shows that those New Year’s resolutions to drink less, eat better, exercise more and stop smoking could add up to 14 years to your life.
According to the New Scientist:
The study found that for any given age, sex, social class, and level of obesity – all things that affect death rates – a person who did none of those things had the same chance of dying as a person 14 years older who did all those things. In other words, people doing all four healthy things effectively added 14 years to their lives.
The bad news: you actually have to drink less, eat better, exercise more and stop smoking, not just resolve to do so.
Worser news: The percentage of New Year’s resolutions that are kept: 3.
How much do you love the environment? Enough to continue putting up with his foot odor or her icky long hairs in the drain?
According to a Michigan State University study, divorce is bad for the planet:
“Divorced households are smaller than married households, but consume more land, water, and energy per person than married households,” says Jianguo Liu of Michigan State University in East Lansing, US, who carried out the 12-country analysis with colleague Eunice Yu.
So, stay together! Even though you are driving one another slowly insane in a hellish, churning miasma of recrimination, loathing and regret, stay together! Unless, of course, you have the next mister or missus lined up, because if you’re back in a couple, there is no extra environmental impact. But your spouse has to be paired up too — have you seen to that?