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Forty-seven Signs of the Apocalypse (#35)

By on July 21, 2010 in Forty-seven signs

From the Book of Cephalopods

Suckers on octopus armYeah, I speak to you about the evil times to come, and the truth shall be written in the ink of the cephalopods, and many shall wail and weep at its truth.

Lo! In this time there shall be a Contest of the Foot, throughout the lands both Holy and Heathen, and they shall worship of the Ball of the Foot. And in their wickedness, there shall be wagering, and taking of the odds, and many shekels will pass back over the hands of the Usurers, who worship the an unholy book.

And verily, it shall come to pass that in the Barbarian lands of Germania, there shall be a cephalopod of Great Power. And he shall be an mollusk of Eight Arms, and the Devil shall give it Knowledge of the Contest of the Foot, and shall predict, with great Divination. And his name shall be Paul.

Truly, this Octopus named Paul shall Divine the Contest of Foot — and it shall be a Sign! And many will Worship of the Octopus named Paul. And they shall be wicked. And others, in their wantonness, shall wish to consume of its flesh, and it will be bad.

But they all will be Suckers.

Alltop bet against wantonness and paid the price. Newsy proof: Wikipedia entry for Paul the Octopus. Suckers by Pashazade.

Ask General Kang: If you were running the World Cup, would you ban the vuvuzela?

By on June 23, 2010 in Ask General Kang

Ask General KangFirst of all, we should explain what a vuvuzela (pronounced vu-vu-zay-la) isn’t. It is not, as it sounds, the delicate private parts of a female Venezuelan sex dancer. It is a long, brightly colored plastic horn that can only be played in one pitch.

And it is delightful.

I would never ban it. Ever. In fact, I’d find a way to weaponize it. You see, you’re forgetting two things:

1) on my homeworld, Neecknaw, where I was undisputed and much-feared ruler for some time, some of my favourite forms of weaponry were sonic in nature. I still get a little evil thrill whenever I consider the Tune Brigade, a cadre of genetically modified baboons capable of carrying and playing the excruciating über-tuba. (I used them in the assault on that smug little ice world, Fofth.) Here are some of my other personal faves:

The Amplified Kazoo:
Amplified kazoo music is brutal. I once knew a bonobo who’s atonal rendition of “Don’t Cry for Me Fargentina” could drop a brigade of gorilloids armed with broadswords.

Electro-accordion:
While not quite as painful as the Amplified Kazoo, Electro-accordions can work as non-lethal weapons, and are especially effective means of crowd control with young hipsters. Warning: does not work anywhere people listen to zydeco, the Paris metro, or at sessions of Irish music. This is most effective when deployed by an armada of angry uber-chimps with no sense of rhythm.

Doom-worms:
On Mephitis VI, there is a kind of multi-appendaged gut worm that can emit a high-pitched whining sound, which is a combination of noise similar to a mosquito’s buzz and about 100 overtired children stuffed into a mini-van. If amplified, the sound will pop the eyes out of any primate.

2) Soccer is a ridiculous game; what kind of self-respecting primate would want to spend that much time upright, kicking around a ball?

You’re just jealous of human bipedal locomotion.

[Sob] It’s true. It looks so elegant.

Next time: I have just broken the egg for my Tyfragian omelet, and there seems to be some kind of miniature civilization in there. How do I fold that properly?

Alltop thinks the accordion is sexy.