Tag Archives | Star Trek

McCoy, Kirk and Spock are all about to die as their bodies are de-atomized over a period of several agonizing seconds.

If you have never watched the original series of Star Trek, this post will not make much sense to you. Ok, that was kind of silly — if you’re reading The Skwib of course you’ve watched the original Star Trek.

But as we wait breathlessly for the reboot of Star Trek this week, I want to raise an issue.

I always thought everyone was a little condescending to Bones whenever he got a bit whiny about using the transporter. Dr. McCoy had good, philosophical reasons for being freaked out by the device. Basically, the transporter disassembles all your molecules, and then reassembles them somewhere else. (Assuming something doesn’t go horribly wrong in the process, as it did in pretty much every other episode.) It’s an existentialist’s nightmare.

So that means when you voluntarily use the transporter, you’re opting for instant death via total atomization. Sure, a copy of you will go on, but who knows, maybe it will be the evil copy of you, or perhaps the machine will screw up, and you’ll end up with Mr. Spock’s wang protruding from your forehead. In either case, it doesn’t really matter, because the you that you are at this moment (which granted, is also an illusion of sorts, but that’s a subject for another time) is going to die. And presumably it hurts a bit to be de-atomized. Did anyone else ever think it took quite a long time for them to stop “sparkling”? It’s seconds at least. Now imagine what that feels like, having your atoms ripped apart over a period of several seconds. Having trouble? Pluck out a few nose hairs. Now imagine that in every molecule of your body for several seconds.

I think everyone should have cut Bones a little slack, and let him take the shuttlecraft if he wanted. Besides, when you’re fighting Tiranglian Lizard people, or reprogramming a rogue computer, the doctor’s only going to be helpful in stitching you up afterwards. (Or whatever “non-barbaric” technology” Dr. McCoy used.)

If anything, McCoy was pretty stoic about the whole thing. If it had been me, unless the ship was having some kind of EPS-Flangerati-Electrolux crisis that was going to cause it to explode in seconds anyway, there’s no way you’re getting me onto the transporter pad:

“Mr. Rayner, put on your red shirt and step onto the transporter pad, we’re going down to the surface,” Kirk ordered the pudgy and pale-looking ensign.

“Nun-uh!”

“Mr. Rayner, you’re going down to the surface with the rest of the landing party, where we’re all going to die. Well, you’re going to die. Bones and Spock and I will be fine.”

“You put me on that sparkle thingy and I’ll die. Not gonna do it. Wouldn’t be prudent.”

“Don’t make me beat you.”

“Frankly …” Mr. Rayner lifts shoulders. “I’d prefer that…” Mr. Rayner raises hands. “Jim.” Mr. Rayner thrusts hands forward, then Kirk decks him.

Your Turn

Now, what other science fiction inventions would suck? High on my list would be the notion that “food in pill form” is a good idea. I definitely think that would be awful, though obviously not as much as soylent green. Also, artificial intelligence seems like a bad idea too. Am I missing any?

Alltop and humor-blogs.com are also not whiny bitches.