Tag Archives | uber-chimps

Ask General Kang: Should we boycott the 2008 Olympics?

By Mark A. Rayner on April 11, 2008 in Ask General Kang

Ask General Kang Absolutely not!

Do you realize how hard some of the athletes competing in this summer’s games have had to work to get to the Olympics? Some of them get up at 5 am to train. Every morning! Are you going to be the killjoy who’s going to tell them they can’t go to Beijing just because some totalitarian government has been oppressing its citizens, or committing cultural genocide or torturing babies?

I mean, all your crap is made in China, right? Have you stopped buying stuff from them to register your displeasure with China’s human rights record? Besides, it would just make it worse for the Chinese people.

When I was an Interstellar Overlord we had this once-a-decade celebration of simian athletic prowess we called the “Ape Races”, which was similar to your Olympics. Do you know what I did when Planet Backscratch boycotted my Ape Games to protest our treatment of the Numnum Cult? (They were a misguided bunch of bonobos on Sebaceous III who believed all apes should live in harmony, share their resources and mates, and which promoted frequent public grooming sessions.)

I sterilized the surface of Sebaceous III with plasma weapons. (It took weeks for the grease fires to stop.)

Screw you Planet Backscratch!

Plus Neecknaw won all the sports worth mentioning — the Tree-Swinging Relay, the Who-Can-Not-Drown Regatta, and of course, the Great Fling. (Our team’s ability to propel fecal matter through the air is now legendary.)

Ew. What if we just boycotted the Opening Ceremonies?

I suppose. It would make some kind of point, and still allow everyone to enjoy the Games. Just don’t mess with the Sponsors. Otherwise, they might boycott the Winter Games in Vancouver. You don’t want that now, do you?

Next time: Something funny is going on in my trousers. Is it some kind of dimensional breach, or should I consult a physician?

Ask General Kang: Um, is it time to panic?

By Mark A. Rayner on January 23, 2008 in Ask General Kang

Ask General Kang You humans still have primitive brains, so I will try to be understanding about this need of yours to panic.

One of your wisest humans wrote a book, upon the cover of which was the phrase “DON’T PANIC”. This is excellent advice, and the first thing you must learn if you ever hope to:

evolve
dabble in intergalactic travel
keep your portfolio intact in times of irrational exuberance and abject, lower-primate, the-leopard-is-going-to-eat-me moments of dread.

At this moment of your insignificant planet’s history, you have given a large part of efforts to an institution which (and let’s not gild the lily on this one) runs on the base emotions of greed and fear. So, on occasion, you will have to face the fear. But those of you who rise above it, who listen to the wisdom of your great prophet, will evolve.

But I suspect that not enough of you will get there before my armada arrives with its legions of uber-chimps, armed with hyper-kazoos and tutus.

Then what?

Then it’s time for you to panic.

Next time: What does it mean when your cat beats you at chess? And should he be able to levitate like that?

More reasons not to panic here.

(Photo credit: Marvin (PA))

Ask General Kang: Have you ever cried to win an election?

By Mark A. Rayner on January 9, 2008 in Ask General Kang, Parody & Satire

Ask General Kang There are a few things you need to know before I can answer this question properly:

1) Über-chimps are physically incapable of crying standard tears

2) I’ve only ever won one election and after that there were no more elections.

Now, even though I can’t cry standard tears, I don’t think I would cry them, even to win an election. First of all, I was well-liked before the election. I showed my soft and cuddly side early on, without giving people the idea that I would be a pushover once in office.

Now, if the polls turned against me and I started getting all weepy with standard tears, who was going to take me seriously afterwards? Especially if I was hoping to become an iron-fisted intergalactic overlord.

Why do you keep saying “standard tears”? What kind of tears do über-chimps excrete?

It depends on their phase of life and job description. As an advice columnist and ex-intergalactic overlord, my tears are a mix of vitriol, LSD and despair. On the plus side, they smell like bananas.

Next time: When you’re, um, getting intimate with a love-bot and the low battery signal starts beeping, what’s the proper etiquette for plugging in the recharging prong?

Also posted at humor-blogs.com